Release

The lockdown and isolation of the last year and a half has been so hard on many of us for a variety of reasons. My anxiety resulted in such feelings of doom that I was convinced that this was the end of life as we knew it and that feeling has proven to be true to a certain extent.

I was convinced that I would have to shave my head, break out my fancy dress box to concoct a Mad Max style outfit and that Norm and I would have to go out to raid the village shops every night in order to avoid having to use leaves in place of toilet paper or even worse, starvation.

Maybe that is why I decided to eat whatever the eff I wanted and started to drink every night. Why deprive ourselves if we are all going to die soon anyway?

The lockdown also gave us plenty of time to think. Actually, for those of us who are already introspective and obsessive, it gave us too much time to think, too much time for our demons to rattle around in our brains and get us twisted. However this also resulted in some healing of those demons. Bringing them out into the light, realising that I need to forgive myself for things I had guilt over as I was doing my best with the life skills I had at that time. Or that things which happened to me as a child were not my fault or even my guardian’s fault but rather the fault of the perpetrator. Releasing those things is necessary for healing.

It also made me realise a lot about some of my ‘friendships’ and the people that I thought cared about me. I started to notice that often I was the one who initiated contact, or made an effort. The people who checked in on me to make sure I was OK were not the people I thought were friends when we went into lockdown. I have developed a few new relationships with people whom I do feel supported by. Some of the others I never hear from at all, no communication, no interactions. Silence. Not even when we lost Navajo or it was my 60th birthday, my lowest or my highest points during the lockdown, all I had was a Facebook comment, if that.

It puts things into perspective.

I have let my weight get so out of control. Between the nightly big bag of peanut M&Ms, the nightly vodka, passionfruit and sodas and the lack of attention to all of my dietary intake coupled with absolutely zero exercise I am heavier than I have ever been in my life. The first step to healing from addiction is admitting defeat and that your life has become unmanageable and I guess I am at that point with my weight.

So I have cut out the nightly sweets and the booze. I am trying to make better choices with my food. I am not doing the full banting agenda but I am dipping my toe in that direction in my meal choices but I am also eating fruit and other ‘real’ food that I avoided when eating low carb.

This weekend Caitlin and I are going for a walk nearby. I need to get moving my body, even if that means leaving my snug, safe little home. Wish me luck in my endeavors to deal with my health issues.

Next week I have 2 appointments which are making me very anxious.

On Monday I go to the dermatologist to have the ‘horn’ that has grown on my forehead looked at again.

The Doc had zapped it with liquid nitrogen months ago but it has turned into this bizarre thing which looks like I am morphing into a really gnarly unicorn or that an alien is emerging from my face fingernails first. I made the mistake of googling it and now I feel queasy as well as even more worried. I suspect she may need to refer me to a plastic surgeon but then again I always dramatically over estimate everything health related and concentrate on the worst options.

On Tuesday I have my first dental appointment to deal with all of the issues I have with my teeth. I am having a crown replaced on my molar as that is the one causing the most pain.

Wish me luck with both experiences please.

Even though the weather improved last Saturday Norm and I still watched a film as he was struggling with his back. We randomly selected ‘The Voyeurs‘ on Amazon Prime. It is about a young couple called Pippa and Thomas who move into their dream apartment and then they notice that their windows look directly into the apartment opposite and Pippa soon becomes obsessed with watching the couple who live there. It is a lesson in cause and effect and how seemingly helpful motives may result in disastrous events. It is a bit of a B-movie but the story is full of twists and turns and unexpected occurrences as well as some rather sexy interactions. It held our attention and was full of surprises so I will give it 4 Kitten Stars ⭐⭐⭐⭐. Note this movie is not suitable for under 18s and I even suggest that you do not watch it while in the same room as your adult kids unless you want to deal with that awkwardness.

The backing track of the film was ‘Eyes without a Face’ performed by Angel Olsen. I loved the original of this song by Billy Idol. I could not find a video of Angel performing the song, only an audio.

We had take away for dinner that night and I had sushi from K1 in Hout Bay. I hadn’t had sushi in months as I do not usually eat it in winter. It was delicious! I had prawn roses, salmon roses and cucumber roses.

On Sunday Norm’s back was still very sore so we agreed on another lazy day. I lay in bed drinking coffee and enjoying the beauty of our newly renovated bedroom and my delicious view. I am one lucky kitten.

When we finally got up, Norm wanted to watch a documentary on the BBC and he managed to create an account and set up BBC iPlayer and we watched the documentary Nowhere To Run: Abused By Our Coach‘ by sports presenter Charlie Webster. Norm works as a consultant in sport and one of his areas of expertise is protection of the vulnerable so this was very relevant to that work. Charlie had started running in high school and she and several of her team mates were abused by their running coach, Paul North. Charlie decides to deal with her own demons and goes back to her childhood home of Sheffield to try and heal from her trauma. Charlie contacts all of the girls from her team and discovers that her best friend has struggled for years with her trauma and another of the girls had committed suicide as a teenager.

Abuse of this nature not only affects the victims at the moment of the abuse, it has tentacles that reach into their future to shadow and torment them when they try to maintain a ‘normal’ relationship or forge intimacy with another person. It can lead to addiction to try and sedate the pain or dim the memories or it can even lead to suicide. This man destroyed so many lives yet he only served 10 years in prison as a penalty.

To try and lift the mood I had a binge session of RuPaul’s Drag Race UK. The British drag queens are very funny but I am glad I am familiar with the regional accents or I would need subtitles. I intend to work my way through all 3 seasons so please no spoilers!!! I have avoided any press about the UK show in the hopes I would get to watch them eventually. I also spotted that Drag Race Down Under (based in Australia) is also available. I think I might need a 12 step program for my obsession with Drag Queens.

On Sunday I received my weekly puppy pics from the breeder. The pups are 4 weeks old today and the breeder took them outside for the 1st time and they had their first taste of water. Navajo also used to drink with one paw in his bowl.

They really are growing so quickly and are so inquisitive. It is lovely to track their progress and see how healthy they are looking.

We ordered a puppy training crate which arrived on Monday so we are all ready to go once Finn arrives. We will book a flight to bring him down from the breeders as it is quicker than driving the 12 hours to get here and will hopefully be less traumatic for Finn.

I also ordered a dog bed for the Poms for downstairs but the day before delivery I received an email that it was out of stock. I have only ever had this issue with Takealot that they sale you something and then say, ‘oops we don’t have that’ and have to credit you.

On the same order I received another little house style bird feeder and a suet ball feeder as well as a huge bag of wild bird seed. I was a bit upset as I did not notice that the house has open sides so I cannot use the seed I ordered for it. The suet ball holder came without the suet balls so now I have to go to a shop to try and find some or place yet another order. Always read that small print people!

I mentioned in my last post that my Mom had some issues with her eye. She went for a CT scan as the doctor suspects Mom had a stroke in her eye (also known as retinal artery occlusion). I did not even know there was such a thing! It means there is an issue with the blood supply to the eye basically. She has an appointment to get the results of the scan on Monday so if you could all hold her in your thoughts I would be most appreciative. It is so hard being so far away when your loved ones need you.

Load shedding has been implemented again in South Africa and last night we were without power from midnight to 2:30am. It will continue next week until 05:00 on Thursday which means I may have issues with work as I cannot get on to the client database. I will just have to take that day by day.

The weather is a bit grim today but the sun is trying to poke through. I think we are just going to have an easy day today. Tomorrow is the Cape Town Cycle Tour and it comes through our village. It is the biggest timed bicycle race in the world and the route is along our beautiful coast roads.

Photo by Gary Perkin

I hope it is successful day for the event and riders. Some of our local venues set up viewing parties and I hope they are also successful in making some bucks as so many places are struggling financially after the COVID restrictions.

Until next time, I hope you all keep safe and healthy. Wash your hands, wear a mask and get vaccinated.

Kisses from the Kitten xoxoxoxox

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