If You Can’t Love Yourself…….

RuPaul says it best. “If you can’t love yourself then how the hell are you gonna love somebody else?”

The root of so many mental health issues is lack of self-confidence, self-love or conversely, self-loathing. I saw this quote:

It’s not through healing that you will love yourself.

It’s through loving yourself, that you will heal!

It is another of those phrases which are popping out at me, resonating and making me think. I know that all of my issues, from my imposter syndrome to my insecurities and paranoia about my personality and body are all due to lack of confidence. In return I know that those things are most likely rooted in my childhood.

My imposter syndrome got kicked into touch this week when my client expressed to my consulting house that I am a ‘star’ and that I am ‘passionate’ about doing things properly. That should be enough to bolster my feelings of inadequacy because I do not have a degree in the field I work in. A degree does not guarantee effectiveness or even intelligence. I know that I am good at my job, I just wish I could manage my insecurities that get in my way.

There were several gems in RuPaul Canada (I am making my way through the past episodes). First the thing I loved was the concept that there is no use in regrets. You cannot change the outcome of something in the past, it is just a waste of energy. How often do I spend replaying past events in my head, thinking of what I should have said or done? The other half of my life is spent planning discussions that may never happen, but that is a different issue. Both of those are not being present. I am trying to stay very present and mindful.

The other thing that came up was around gender and colonialism. There are two queens who were both affected by the impacts colonialism had on their culture in regards to toxic masculinity and the impacts on people’s mentalities. One, Bombae is from India and the second is Chelazon Leroux who is a first nations person from Canada. Both of them mention how traditionally in their culture it was accepted and sometimes revered to be of ‘two-spirits’. “Two-Spirit” is a term used within some Indigenous communities, encompassing cultural, spiritual, sexual and gender identity. The term reflects complex Indigenous understandings of gender roles, spirituality, and the long history of sexual and gender diversity in Indigenous cultures. Or, put simply, it means having both a masculine and a feminine spirit encompassed within one person.

It was only once the British took over their countries and forced their belief systems onto the indigenous people that expressing Two-Spirits became taboo. The colonists felt that their Puritanical Christian beliefs were more important than all other cultures.

Note that I did not embed a hyperlink to the queens as I do not know who wins and do not want any spoilers, please do not ruin it for me.

I have been pretty much crippled for all of this week. I mentioned in my last post that I was going to start planting my new succulent garden once Norm prepared the ground. My other weirdness is that if I start something I really need to finish it or it drives me a bit mad thinking about what is left.

On Sunday morning I started rounding up all of the clippings that I wanted to plant and searching for all of the bits and pieces I have been hoarding specifically for the back garden. I had tins, statues, bird baths, planters and all manner of kitsch.

The whole exercise was complicated by the fact that I was threatened with death and dismemberment if I walked on the sand that Norm and Mzudumo had spent all day pressing down. Norm said he would create some walkways for me to walk on. That meant he would lay down some boards and I was expected to tight-walk across them while carrying large planters and other precariously balanced heavy objects.

Yeah, right. Has he met me? The vertigo riddled klutz??

I spent the first few hours balancing dangerously but I managed to plant every clipping that I had scavenged from all over the garden as well as the plants my kids had given me. This is the last video Norm did of my efforts but the layout has changed since then. I have moved some things around and added some other things I discovered hidden in cupboards. But you get the idea.

The men arrived today to put down the artificial grass. How beautiful and fresh looking is it? I feel so happy just looking at it.

Next we will wash the sofa cushions and brush down the wicker and pressure wash the outside pavement. We are also going to buy a new braai (aka BBQ or Grill) as our gas one has rusted to bits. Then we will be summer ready.

Speaking of disasters (I know we weren’t, but humour me, I need a lead in). I mentioned my sense of impending doom in my last post? Well the piano landed on Wednesday.

I had forgotten to turn off my laptop the previous night so I woke really early on Wednesday morning when my laptop pinged loudly from downstairs. I could not get back to sleep so I just lay quietly and messed around on my phone trying not to disturb the dogs (or the less annoying Norm of course.)

Then when I showered there was no hot water. It has been freezing cold here and I sleep with the air conditioning on in our room so it is always brisk! Unfortunately I was soaked and lathered before I realised I had no hot water. Not a cosy way to wake up.

Next I went downstairs to find this mess all over my kitchen floor.

Blue was licking his lips with no cares or guilt to burden him at all. Cheeky little shite. I had fancied this expensive little serving piece and watched until it went on sale then bought it. I loved it. Never mind, it was only a possession *said while trying unsuccessfully to simulate Buddhist like Zen and lack of attachment to physical objects*. Still, he could have been a little arsehole when the Tupperware butter dish was out!

Then we had the plumbers in for the entire day which meant we had to lock Finn out in the front garden so he was whining and scratching at the gate right next to my desk, hoping to get in and eat them. Panda decided it was up to him to yap piercingly at them every time they walked past me to the garage. Norm alternated between talking loudly on a conference call, drilling holes for curtains and using his beloved Dyson.

All this was going on while I was conducting meetings with the project team or doing very detailed analysis. I felt like having a nervous breakdown. I do not cope well with noises.

In his defense Norm has such a long list of things he is trying to sort out before the kids arrive on Friday. He made a start on hanging my new curtain rails and curtains. One is up in the lounge and it looks so lovely. Amazing the difference nice textiles can make in a room.

He hung both of the curtains in the dining room. The floors are a bit skew in this room which was a challenge but he did a great job. Being able to wake up and gently glide the curtains open without having to tug and pull and get annoyed was a pleasure! Such a simple thing can bring happiness and gratitude.

At least it was a beautiful evening. The sunset was absolutely breathtaking. I ended my day with a feeling of acceptance and peace.

I have not managed to cook all week other than tonight. I cooked angelfish. To go with it we had Woolworth’s Crunchy Asian slaw, a homemade salad of cubes of avocado, rosa tomatoes, red onions and cucumbers and steamed broccoli with lemon. I had only had angelfish in Los Angeles, and I do not remember it being so oily and fishy? I wonder if US angelfish differs to the local type? It was 30 years ago but still, I remember a firm bright white solid gamefish but maybe I am confused.

I had just one meal each day as usual, but most were not particularly healthy however they were delicious. It is my birthday week so I am being pretty relaxed.

I will get back on track next Monday after my kids go home.

They arrive tomorrow so I am going to spend the rest of the evening dusting. I always wait until the last minute in the hopes that Norm gets fed up before I do. *sigh* Their arrival is the reason for my early post. I will write again after my birthday celebrations. We are not going anywhere, I just want to spend time with the family. I have asked to do a home version of High Tea or lunch on Saturday which is my actual birthday. I am so excited to see them. I am the luckiest woman in the world (despite my advanced years).

Until next time, Kisses from the Kitten xoxoxoxoxo

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