Yin and Yang

Part of my current self-work involves not only exercise and a low carb diet, but also introspection and trying to focus on what my triggers are as there are connections between our thoughts and our bodies. One of the personal issues I know that I need to work on are my feelings of derision towards the Male species. It leaks out in conversations and my facial expressions. I know that this is rooted in my PTSD and the damage done to me in my past, from the sexual abuse as a child, the mental manipulations of my 1st fiancé, to the domestic abuse in my first marriage and even from the home invasion we experienced. All done by men.

The frequency of media and news reports highlighting some of the atrocious behavior of men has also brought visibility of how the men outside of my own circle show their true feelings. The abuse and murder of gay people, people who are non-binary or trans, as well as women and children is everywhere in the news. The majority of this abuse is done by men.

Understanding the nature and extent of violence against women requires considering the male culture of domination and patriarchy. The pervasiveness of violence against women highlights the risk of being female. U.S. Department of Justice figures show that reported crimes against women are increasing, while crimes against men are decreasing. National studies indicate indicate that as many as 4 million women are battered each year, but only about 48 percent of these cases are reported to the police. That is in the US alone.

GBV and Femicide is a huge issue in SA and globally. So much of an issue that the United Nations set a “Sustainable Development Goal 5: Achieve gender equality and empower all women and girls by 2030: Eliminate all forms of violence against all women and girls in the public and private spheres, including trafficking and sexual and other types of exploitation”. Personally I think they have failed miserably in this goal.

Their definition of femicide is:

As with much of the violence against women, it is most often done by someone known to the victim.

However the hate crime attacks on the LGBTQI community are often random or opportunistic, the perpetrators do not know their victims and the same is true of crimes based on race or ethnic origin. Hate crimes on race are the most prevalent, however from what I have researched those against sexual or gender identity appear to be the most violent.

Toxic Masculinity at it’s worst.

The other night we were watching television and Norm made a comment about the 8 ‘John Doe’ mystery men who had frequented Jeffrey Epstein’s debauched island and my response was that ‘men think with their dicks’. Norm’s response was ‘you do not like men very much’. It took me a bit aback, but my response was ‘No, not most of them’. However I did clarify to him that he is an exception, I could not ask for a better husband. I could not stay married to a man who hated women, so why do I expect Norm to tolerate my toxicity? I thank my creator that Norm understands my history and WHY I feel this way.

When I logged on to read my emails the morning after our conversation, my meditation of the day gave me a bit of a slap. I cannot only accept the feminine with the exclusion of the masculine. It takes both energies to be balanced.

This deep seated feeling of dislike of men must be worked on. Not all men are the same. Not all men need to gaslight, dominate and belittle. Not all men are willing to drug or murder a woman just to have sex with them. Not all men are abusers. The issue for me is that not all men are willing to be our defenders and stand up against these unacceptable behaviours. I have written about this before and it still stands true.

Our goal in my coaching session this week was to focus on what is within our span of control and identify how we can correct our course when all control is lost.

Control. Let’s say it loud for those in the back. CONTROL. This is a huge issue for me.

Control Process: Steps for Controlling Function of Management

Is it because I am a bossy Virgo? Is it because I am an only child? Is it just me? Anxiety is quite often rooted in our need to control. Those of us who suffer from anxiety need to know what is coming, where we are going and what is going to happen when we get there. If we have unknowns our mind churns trying to imagine every possible scenario and decide an approach for coping with each scenario. Often we go to the WORST and most implausible instances of possibility. One of the things that works well with my anxiety is to actually imagine the worst that can happen and then to ‘walk through it’ to the other side, where you can see that you will actually survive.

That process is also applied in Past Life Regression Therapy. You are hypnotised and taken back to the past experiences of trauma. Sometimes it takes a few sessions to be able to walk through it without breaking down, especially if it was particularly traumatic.

After my divorce I would have a panic attack every time I heard my ex-husband’s voice on the phone or had to see him or interact with him. In my regression therapy, I was taken back to the time when he choked me until I was unconscious. He only stopped when he thought he had killed me and in fact he phoned 911 and told them I was dead. I held that pain and trauma and I walked out the other side. It showed me that I am a survivor and that I am strong and that I made it through that and helped me understand that he no longer had any power over me. We also went back into my past lives where my ex and I had interacted and those experiences helped me to understand why I allowed him to have power over me in the first place. Those relationships were the precedent for our relationship in this life and the constant grooming and wearing down that an abuser does coupled with this predisposition made for the perfect breeding ground for this abuse to fester.

The same as I have healed from that particular relationship, I know that I can heal from my overall negative feelings towards men. The first step in all healing is to admit you have a problem. Only from that place can healing occur.

I have a problem.

However, I may have 99 problems but my diet ain’t one *sung in my best Jaz-Z grunt*.

I am now on week 2 of my ‘Climb’ coaching. Like all little geeky nerds I have spreadsheets to manage my progress (one for weight, one for food, one for goals) but I am also using an app called ‘Carb Manager’ which breaks down everything I put in my body into macros and I can see how I perform on my carb, fat, protein and calorie intake.

I am accountable to my coach and must report my food intake and exercise every day as well as what I do for my mental health. We have a one on one coaching session per week where we review my progress and reset my goals if need be.

I have lost 4.35kgs (that’s 9.57lbs on Yankee scales). I am feeling a good kind of soreness from exercising in the pool for 45 minutes 3 to 4 times a week. I am doing seated stretches on 2 other days as my knees are still too sore to get onto a mat. My constant neck pain has resolved somewhat by the stretching. A lot of my inflammation has improved but you cannot repair in a few weeks the damage done over a course of many months.

The main thing is that I am determined and I am trying to stay focused. I have not cheated at all. I have been preparing some yummy meals.

Last night I made baked pork loin in teriyaki, fondant sweet potatoes and steamed broccolini with grated cheese for dinner after my swim. The meat was so tender and the crispy sweet potatoes were delicious. Sweet potatoes are high in carbs so they must be limited but were a nice treat.

To sooth my Mexican craving I had a spicy minced beef dish with black beans which are apparently ‘keto friendly’ as opposed to my usual kidney or pinto beans. I had it on a bed of salad with homemade guacamole, some crème frais and cheddar. It was divine!

I find that the key to my success is planning. I did a shopping list on Monday and Norm shopped for us. I have to let go of my control and learn to go with the flow if something is not available or he buys the wrong item.

For example, he mistakenly bought those ickle chicken strippy things instead of breasts so after my mini-tantrum I pulled myself together and carried on with my original plan on a smaller scale and wrapped each one in half a strip of bacon. I roasted butternut in coconut oil and steamed broccoli and topped with cheese.

The chicken bits were probably a wee bit overdone but my butternut took longer than expected. Whatever, we ate well and I stayed under my daily macros. All this while working 9 hour days filled with 5 or 6 hours of meetings per day. Work is very stressful but I am trying to take it in my stride and not let it derail my focus.

Norm has taken Finn to puppy school today. He had a blast. (Finn, not Norm. Norm was just hot.)

My goal this weekend is to clean my cupboards and put away all of my new things from the US as my room is a disaster area. That will help me in my focus, clutter is very distracting and stressful for me.

It is a beautiful day here in the bay, I hope you all have a delightful weekend and that you keep safe. Until next time, Kisses from the Kitten xoxoxoxox

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