The Wounded Heart

I subscribe to a site which sends me ‘Morning Messages’ and these are always so spot on it is a bit scary. Of course, critics will say that like ‘horoscopes’ the messages are vague enough that they will resonate with most people, but then if it resonates with me, then that is enough. On Tuesday I received a message entitled “Sacred Heart Space”.

“It is the intelligence of the heart that offers humanity total healing and total connection with the dimensions and the stars. We have encouraged you to return to the sacred space of your heart and radiate love and appreciation to your reality. It is within the sacred heart that the alchemical process of transformation takes place.

It is the intelligence of the heart that offers humanity total healing and total connection with the dimensions and the stars. We have encouraged you to return to the sacred space of your heart and radiate love and appreciation to your reality. It is within the sacred heart that the alchemical process of transformation takes place.

We support and encourage you to energetically and emotionally clean out your heart space. Polish it, shine it up, air it out, and begin to live there. If the heart is energetically congested with old emotions of hurt or grief or distrust, then the richer and fuller connection with divine is distorted. When the heart is energetically closed to others, it is closed to the divine. It is time that humanity heals the wounded heart.

It is the intelligence of the heart that will guide and uplift you in all your actions. Practice asking your heart before asking your mind. Practice bridging and connecting the heart’s intelligence with the brain’s intelligence. Practice radiating unconditional love, joy, gratitude, and appreciation from the heart, not from the mind. Allow yourself to see your sacred heart space as spacious, infinite, expanded, and whole. It is your link to the cosmic grid. It is your way home.”

©2006 Peggy Black All Right Reserved.

I had become aware of a heaviness in my body and mind, and not the sort that can be resolved by exercise or dieting, only by healing. My anxiety and depression has been sitting like a stone on my heart. I know that I struggle with trust and with confidence but what is being presented to me is something different, it feels like anger. A deep, all consuming anger which I suspect is internally directed fear. I have a sharp tongue and a quick mind and I can easily devastate people with my words and I am even more snappy than usual. I obviously have another thorn I need to work on removing and in the new year I intend to book another session with Tass who did the ancestral healing work with me recently. I obviously need to go deeper. In the meanwhile I will keep asking to remove the negative emotions and responses and replace them with kindness and love.

On Monday night we had another meeting of the Trailblazers for the Church of the Earth which I have joined. We met quite late and as I wake so early, by that time I was really tired and struggling visually. When tired my eye disease decides I need to rest them and I have a hard time with reading. But I managed and afterwards, as I did last time, I felt buoyed by the collective energy of the group.

However, on Tuesday I was again really struggling. I contacted my GP but he could only see me on Wednesday morning. Norm drove me as I was still feeling odd. I could not concentrate and almost felt like I was having an out of body experience. The doc took my blood pressure which was a bit high but it is always a bit high. He did a urine check and poked and prodded and asked me a lot of questions. I am already on meds for my blood pressure so it should not have been that high so I need to monitor it at home for a few days and report back to him on the results. He thinks that it is my usual anxiety and depression that is triggering the increase in pressure and so he has increased the dosage of my current anxiety meds to see if that helps.

He also said it could be blood sugar / glucose related so I am to monitor my intermittent fasting and if I find I am feeling dreadful and it improves after eating then I may need to go off of the fasting or limit it to only a few days a week. The doc said that because of my weight loss I do not have the fat reserves that I had prior to the weight loss so my body may struggle with hypoglycemia when fasting for too long.

When I came home I posted a pic of me looking perfectly happy on Facebook and I told everyone that I was really struggling with my mental health.

I posted this to let other people know that I was struggling but also to let people who do not have depression to understand that just because someone looks ‘OK’ does not mean that they are. Also to try and bring mental health out into the open, to remove some of the shame of needing medication in order to cope.

I had so many people come out in my support, either just by simply giving me a love emoji or by giving me words of encouragement or love. Some of the people I think I am close to did not contact me at all, did not say a single thing. Others just told me about their own issues, and said nothing to show they cared. Others whom I speak to very seldom took the time to message me and check in on me. I am always surprised at how people behave and just how self involved some of them can be. But I have culled some people and will continue to do so. I have put other people onto a restricted list so I do not have to deal with their ‘noise’. I am tightening my circle. People can follow my Kitten on the City page which is public if they just want to be nosy. Those who show that they care I will obviously keep close. I am stopping playing Covet Fashion which is why I have so many random people on my personal page but I will start to cull those to have them off my personal page by the end of the year.

On Wednesday night I told Norm I was not up to cooking and that I did not even mind whether we ate or not. I was not up to communicating or talking. I just wanted to curl up on the couch and stare at the walls. Norm looked after me and cooked for us. The electricity was off from 6pm but we have a gas top stove and he had planned ahead. Norm popped a baked potato into the oven when he went to walk Finn so that it would be ready when the power went off and he had bought steaks and halloumi and salad. He was asking me questions about the food and I was just unable to respond. I just felt so low I could not function at even the most basic level. All I wanted to do was cry. Bless him he did a gorgeous meal and even sliced up my steak for me and brought it to me in front of the telly.

We had a quiet night just watching telly and cuddling with the pets. That night I started the updated dose of anxiety meds the doc had prescribed but it may take a bit of time for them to make a difference in my anxiety levels.

Meanwhile I tried to dig deep to discover what was causing this sudden discomfort. I tried a questioning technique I had seen on a page about self-healing and tried asking myself relevant questions such as:

Do I have memories that require healing?
What relationships (current or past) need healing?
Do I have childhood issues that I haven’t fully addressed?
Are my emotional wounds controlling my life, leading me to control people and situations?
How do I allow wounds of the heart to control me?
What do I need to forgive myself for? Who needs forgiveness from me?

I also used the ‘what’s the worst that can happen’ self-questioning technique I discovered on Gangaji’s website and I drilled down into what is coming up for me. On Thursday I had a moment of clarity. It is Fear. Fear of being branded as ‘crazy’. ‘Crazy’ is my trigger word. I had an aunt who was schizophrenic, bipolar and had other mental health issues and many people in my family tree are bipolar and this terrifies me.

After my divorce in the early 90s I had a nervous breakdown. I was hiding out from society in the forest by the coast with a group of Rastafarians and my friend Cathi managed to track me down and insist that I move up to Johannesburg so that she could look after me. I know that this saved my life. I was struggling with my eating disorder and I had lost so much weight that my legs were like bones covered in flesh. I was suicidal and all I could think about was HOW I could end my life. I thought my children would be better off without a mother like me. My own self worth was non-existent after years of being worn down by emotional and physical abuse.

When I managed to get myself and whatever I could pack into my car up to Johannesburg, Cathi had somehow wrangled an appointment for me at Tara, the public sector psychiatric hospital. I had no medical insurance or money and the hospital is funded by the government. Cathi drove me to the hospital for therapy for weeks until one day I arrived to be greeted with a room full of about 20 people in white coats. Until then I had been dealing one on one with a young psychiatrist but they told me that there is a panel who was involved in the review of all of the cases and that they had collectively decided that I was a danger to myself and they recommended that I be booked in to the hospital for my own protection.

That freaked me out. I’d seen One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest. That possibility was rather terrifying. Something clicked in my head and I asked them whether they could force me to stay and they said no, so I got up and walked out and never went back. After that I seemed to ‘wake up’ from the fugue I had been in and took control of my life.

I applied for a radiography job and they hired me despite not having worked for so many years and not having the SA required documentation. The Radiologists later said it was because I was hot. Whatever the reason, that seemed to bring me back to consciousness and make me take responsibility for my life and my future. I worked shifts and preferred working in theatre which most of the other girls hated because the surgeons were such bullies. But I had been bullied enough so I gave as good as I got. One day a surgeon threw a metal x-ray cassette at one of the younger trainees so I picked it up and threw it back at him. It flew over his head nearly knocking him out and broke the window in the theatre room.

Everyone stood in utter shock awaiting the reaction of the volatile little troll. Then the surgeon burst out laughing and decided I would be his personal x-ray person and always asked for ‘the American’. After that point something in me transformed and I vowed never to be bullied or abused by a man again. In fact, sometimes the script has flipped and I can go on the attack for some perceived slight that does not even exist.

But obviously that fear of being branded ‘crazy’ is still there, festering under the surface. My healing is obviously bringing these things up. Those fears are also accompanied by shame. The shame around mental health issues. The shame around not being ‘perfect’. The shame around being a bad mother. The shame around being ‘out of control’.

So much shame and so many wounds deep in my soul.

The first step to healing is to understand the root of that pain and I have identified it and exposed it. In self help groups they have a phrase “We are only as sick as our secrets” which basically means that a secret kept in the dark grows and becomes more harmful, but once it is exposed to light or released, its power is lost. Research suggests keeping secrets can significantly boost stress hormones, impact blood pressure, inhibit sleep, contribute to mental health and substance use disorders and even increase chronic pain.

So I am bringing my darkest secrets into the light. Releasing them. Very few people knew that I had a nervous breakdown, or an eating disorder, much less that I was almost committed, not my mother or my daughters. I have now told them. I have nothing to fear.

This morning my blood pressure was back to normal which I found very interesting. It could be due to the new anxiety meds or it could be due to the release of that dark shadow.

Yesterday I had my annual check up at the gyne who wants me to have my thyroid checked as she said hair loss and high blood pressure could be related to that. I will go this week to have that done. I drove myself there and it is on the other side of town. I had to go on multiple motorways and that always freaks me out because I cannot see that well. I used my GPS but still managed to miss my exit on the way there and also on the way home. Silly GPS woman, of course it is not MY fault for not having a clue how far ‘turn left in 600 meters is’ but whatever. The point is I managed to get there and back without a panic attack. That is progress and I will take any progress I can claim.

When I came downstairs this morning I was in a rush and I decided to do my prayers later in the day. I sat down to do my make up, but Finn was not having that. He walked up and took my hand and dragged me out to the hill to do my prayers. He lay on my feet while I prayed like he was stopping my escape. He knows my routine and he will not allow deviation, but I feel he obviously knew I would need the strength to face the day.

This morning Norman and I attended a memorial for Pat, a friend’s father. It was held at the Theatre on the Bay which is very near us and right on the beach.

Pat was a photographer and videographer for the ballet and other productions and his work was amazing. They had put together a video of some of his work and you could see how talented he was. He was such an interesting man and even though we had only met him once we went to show our support for his daughter. It was a lovely tribute to him.

Just before we left home to go to the memorial we had news of a friend in the US who passed away suddenly last night. We were looking forward to seeing him when we go to the US. HIs wife is like an aunty to me and I am so sad for her. It is a bit of a heavy day. The wind is howling like mad and it makes the world feel aligned to my chaotic mental energy.

Later this afternoon I am joining a Four Elemental Mother Awakening Mind Women’s Meditation and Prayer Ceremonial Circle for Peace. It is a virtual event and I think I need the peace and calm it should bring not only to the Earth but to my heart. We will do songs, prayers and meditations.

I hope you all have a good weekend ahead and that you receive what you need for your own peace and happiness.

Until next time, Kisses from the Kitten xoxoxoxox

One thought on “The Wounded Heart

  1. Pingback: Toxic Love – Kitten in the City

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