I have quite a few visual challenges in that I am very myopic (i.e. ‘near-sighted’) as well as I have an eye disease which affects my vision, but another challenge is that I am colour blind. My Dad used to call it ‘colour ignorant’ because we do see colour, we just do not always know what colour it is. For example grey, blue, brown and even some greens are very similar to me. If something is ‘green’ to me then I assume I can wear anything green with it. Apparently not as I often get told. AS I am wearing it usually. Nothing better for your confidence!
The other thing is that I am not good at visualising the bigger picture for some reason. I am a detail girl. This is probably why I thrive in analysis, I love to get down to the lowest level of the data to find the issues. But this means that my idea of house design is each little spot, I seldom think about unity of the whole house.
Hence when my girls told me that my red and yellow cushions on the red sofas in my lounge made it look like someone threw up a hotdog, I decided to just give away the ones that I did not want and get new ones. As usual I did not ask a well sighted daughter to assist I just randomly bought some things I fancied. My girls told me these do not match yet again but they are stitched with proteas, and embroidery and proteas are both things I cannot resist. The pouffe goes wonderfully with the carpet under my desk, but not with the cushions really.
I also bought a cushion for the big couch we usually lie on, only the black and white one in the corner is new in this group. This is my corner of the couch.
It was great that it all arrived in time for book club on Monday night and I could chuck out the things that the cats have shredded.
We had such a lovely evening last Saturday at Cheyne’s. We went quite early which was fortunate as it was load shedding from 8pm which often causes a bit of kitchen chaos in most restaurants.
I have not been to Cheyne’s in ages. If my posts are accurately tagged then our anniversary in 2021 was the last time! We seldom go out these days, we just get take away.
Norm dropped me there to meet the girls who were sitting in the bar. We all ordered wine or cocktails and chose our 3 tapas items for the Winter Special of 3 items for R150.
I chose the Tempura Baby Prawns, the Mumbai chili beef and the potato croquettes. Dishes get served in dribs and drabs so I was really happy mine all came at once. The tempura prawns used to come with an aioli but maybe they no longer do, but I think they need a dip. The chili beef was yummy as always, sticky, spicy and full of flavour. The potato dumplings used to come in a little pool of peanut sauce but they do not do that any longer either. It makes them less messy but I felt they need a bit more zing.
A few of us decided to have dessert. My friend had the apple crumble but said it was really salty (miso?) and she could not eat it. I had the chocolate fondant and it was divine. Warm and oozing. I should have taken a pic of the centre oozing with rich creamy chocolate.
It was a lovely evening with brilliant company, we had a lot of laughs and the food was yummy. I give it 5 Kitten Stars ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
On Sunday both Norm and I got stuck into cleaning the downstairs as I was hosting book club the following night. We really only do a full and proper clean when people are coming around.
It was miserable weather and everyone arrived at 6pm. Norm took Finn out and about and the pommies flitted about looking for attention all night. Load-shedding was from 6-8pm so we had to gather in the dining room to try and see the backs of the books.
Luckily we have a load-shedding bulb over the bar so we could see there. I put out a spread of fresh breads, cheeses, cold meats, dips, crackers and fruit.
One of the women brought a gorgeous apple cake which was divine.
We all gathered in the lounge by candle and fire light to eat. Blue and the Poms were hopeful of crumbs.
It was a lovely relaxed evening.
On Thursday night I started a new goal – trying to get fit. My goal is not so much losing weight, that will be a side benefit, it is more about movement and strength. I am very aware of the weakness in my legs and with my arthritic knees and hips I should do what I can to build the muscles that support the joint. So I went to a Yoga and Tone class offered in Suikerbossie Estate nearby. The place is so stunning!
My neighbour drove us there and we went in the wrong entrance and ended up walking through various people’s private gardens and confronting a large angry dog which I assumed was friendly since we were advised to enter that way (we later found out we were NOT advised to enter that way, we are just both ditzy mares who entered the wrong gate). It is so beautiful! The view is out across the entire bay.
Eventually we arrived at the right place and entered the sanctuary and got settled in. I was a bit nervous but feeling excited. The class was a combination of yoga and a bit of fitness and I really loved it! There were some things I could not manage but that was more about the pain in my knees than my strength or ability. I need some more sweat appropriate clothing as I ended up stripping down to my vest and was not wearing a bra as the vest has one built in (which is fine with a top over but I was too hot to care). I smelled horrendous and I may have potentially passed out once or twice, either from the smell or the heat.
Kate and I are going to try and go twice a week but if Kate cannot make it I am now comfortable enough to go on my own, and Tam may go with once she is feeling better. Soon it will warm up so I hope I can also start to swim again.
In my healing journey, this week I was directed to watch a few series which really hit me hard as they brought up memories I have tried to bury for so long.
I watched a tragic documentary called ‘Take Care of Maya’. I cried and cried and cried. Ugly, snotty crying.
It is a true story but I do not want to give the story away, but at a high level Maya was a 10 year old child who was being treated by a specialist for Complex regional pain syndrome (CRPS), a very rare and misunderstood illness. Maya had intense abdominal pain and her parents took her to the Emergency Room. When her parents explained the treatment plan that the specialist had Maya on, the parents were suspected of child abuse due to the high levels of ketamine which Maya was taking under the specialist’s care.
Maya was placed in State custody (in FLORIDA hunty) and was not allowed to see her family for months and could not even speak to her without someone listening in. Even a supervised visit was not allowed. This brought back to me when my ex did the same to me. He had me arrested and had the children removed from my custody and I was not even allowed to see them without supervision and then only for one hour a week. Lily was a baby at the time and the other 2 were young. This was the plan his lawyer put in place to get custody.
To go from putting your children to bed one day to not being able to see them at all the next is horrendous.
It was my birthday and he had the kids for the weekend. He phoned me on Monday morning and told me he was not bringing them back. When I asked why he said I would find out soon enough. At that point the police knocked the door, showed a warrant which said that my ex had told them I was running some sort of drug den. He had told them exactly where to search and they found 1 single joint.
But in a patriarchal society it was his house, he had told them to investigate and he wanted to press charges so it all went through.
So despite me having many police reports and photographic evidence of my body covered in bruises, these things were in LA and I did not know how to obtain those things. I had no money so my lawyer was a public defender who was about to retire. My ex also used the fact that I had been molested as a child myself and paid a therapist to say my kids were at risk because of it. The court believed my ex when he said I was an unfit mother.
Just like that, I lost my kids. Halfway around the world from my home and family and even my language. In those days most people in George spoke Afrikaans. In fact even now if you go into a shop they initially speak to you in Afrikaans and then revert to English only when you look at them blankly.
I thought my life was over and in that phase all I thought about was how to end it all. In fact, specifically how to ensure that if I attempted suicide that I would be successful because my worst fear was to end up paralysed and at his mercy, my care ‘given’ to him as my husband in such a patriarchal society.
Eventually, my friend Cath rescued me and got me into therapy. This basically saved my life, of that I am confident. I have touched on this whole scenario before if you want more background here is the link. I have no reason for shame nor anything to hide. I am digging out those festering thorns. I am sorry if you get splattered with a bit of blood in the process.
I’ve also thought about some of the things I have done in my past that I cannot now imagine doing. Now that I am starting to understand my mental challenges, I can see that I was manic. Not manic as in bipolar, but I definitely had phases of poor judgement or an inability to see danger or consequences, both of which are characteristics of ADHD. This again helps me to understand myself.
I think that inability to see consequences is all linked into being unable to see the bigger picture. I think of some of the riskier behaviour I had when young and I think part of it is that I have never thought things through to the point of consequence and then when I am hit by the consequence I am caught off guard.
There are so many unhappy and damaged people in the world. This week I found out that an old boyfriend had overdosed a few years back. This is the second of my exes whom I have discovered has overdosed. It is very sad. I wonder who I would have become had I stayed in the south? Would I be so diverse from the majority of my family and childhood friends? Would my struggles stay the same but with different ‘actors’ playing the parts? Back to the other versions of me.
I had a bit of intention coming through this week. I put ‘new windows’ in my intentions chart and have been looking at my house imagining it with new windows. I have been having imaginary conversations with imaginary people about my new windows as if it were a reality. This week Norm wrote to a few companies about the windows to get updated quotes. No these things are not related in any way, I did not tell him any of my intention setting or imaginings. He just sent the emails out of the blue and copied me in. And no he did not hear me talking to myself and decide he needed to make a plan to save me tipping completely over the edge.
We have had some crazy weather this week. The rain has pelted down violently on an off.
Of course we are always grateful for the rain. When I went to pray one morning it was just starting to lightly rain and when I thanked the East for the Air, a huge gust of wind blew up and almost pushed me off of the hill. It made me laugh so much. Our Creator has a great sense of humour.
This morning I got up early and prayed on the hill and got ready for Tam to pick me up. Today was our Women’s Soul Circle and today’s topic was a Spring Reset. We had a diagram and a list of ‘segments’ of our life, from this list we selected eight of them and we then rated what percentage of our goal we are at with each thing.
We then picked one of these areas to focus on and decide what our goal is to reach to be ‘successful’ in that area to us. We wrote down how we could achieve this and what it would mean to us.
I picked my mental health as it has come up a lot lately with me trying to understand myself more. It is linked to my Physical Health, my Relationship to Self and Family. All of these things are intrinsically linked. A change in one can affect the other. I hope that they all continue to improve.
Tomorrow I am driving to Scarborough for my Shaman class. It is a beautiful drive but I hope the weather continues to hold out and we have no rain. I am looking forward to seeing the women I study with.
I am just so grateful for my life at the moment. I am growing and changing and healing in so many areas. So many of the things I have visualised have started to manifest.
I fly down to see my children and granddaughter next weekend which is also my birthday. My timing to publish may be delayed.
I hope you have a wonderful week ahead. Until next time, Kisses from the Kitten xoxoxoxoxo
Kitten in the City 
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