I mentioned in last week’s post about the taxi strikes and the resulting drama and damage around Cape Town. This week has been full of drama as well. So many people are unable to get to work, the shelves in the shops are bare. Many people are walking far for minimal food as there is no food available in the townships. Driving on the roads is dangerous and your car could be stoned or ran off of the road, at least two people have been killed. A man was stoned and he then got out and shot at people, killing one and wounding two others. A visiting surgeon was killed. If you go into the wrong area it can be deadly. The Ubers are also on strike, probably to avoid the risks to their lives and cars. The city buses are running to a limited schedule avoiding the worst areas which are full of risk and turmoil.
To avoid the risk of getting stones thrown at my car or worse I decided to take an alternative route to my shaman class last Sunday. Norm helped me out by inputting the directions to my GPS so that I avoided the toll road and the area I was concerned about and I set off with good intentions.
The GPS took me directly to the diversion I wanted to follow but as Norm had entered it as a ‘stop’ it directed me around the ‘loop’ and back to Main Road where I started. At that point I realised I had entered the road on the wrong side the first time around! Luckily no one was coming out or we would have had a head on collision. Oops. This is why I hate driving in areas I have never been! Anyway, I managed to figure out what had happened and instead of looping back down again I continued up the mountain to the top. Wow!!! What an amazing view!
I tried to shift my usual mindset of anxiety when behind the wheel and decided that I was ‘on an adventure’. The view was stunning and I would take my time. I arrived about 10 minutes late but was very proud of myself for getting there.
We had an amazing session where we all talked about what has been going on with us. There are always so many common threads moving through the group with us experiencing similar things and mirroring each other.
After we finished we had a bit of curry one of the women had brought and some other snacks. One of the women spotted some angel cards on the counter and asked if she could use them. I took another pack that was there and decided to try them. I shuffled them, held them to my heart and asked spirit what message I needed to hear. I then pulled a random card out.
I shouted loudly in surprise when I saw what card it was. The mousebird!!!!! Regular readers may remember that 5 mousebirds appeared in the garden on the day that Amelia came home and have stayed there since. I looked up the meaning in the book that comes with the cards. The Affirmation made me realise the mousebirds are messengers for me, not Amelia. Especially once I noticed that the page number refers to ’61’, the year of my birth.
I am still amazed at how the universe shows up when we need information.
I had written out my Descansos road map and I showed it to Tass and she said to me that I needed to do ceremony over each of the traumatic events I had marked out on the drawing. When she said this I felt strongly that this is the trauma attached to my divorce and custody issues which needs to be cleared, not my childhood traumas.
I write a bit on my blogs throughout the week and after writing this sentence I sat outside and I felt this mental download of information. It is not my ex-husband I am angry with, it is me. It is my role in the whole debacle.
Partly, I should never have trusted him to treat with me with the respect due the mother of his children. He was willing to do anything to gain custody. I underestimated his levels of hatred for me. But that mentality is still not taking ownership. If I had not done the things I did he would not have been able to do what he did which then resulted in my loss of custody. That is as specific as I will get regarding this.
I wonder has my ex forgiven himself or does he feel justified in the actions he took as it gave him the results he desired? Or could that be part of why his memory is fading, so he does not have any memory of his shame? That is why my prayers for his health issues were specific – that he remembers.
But what about my own need to let go and forgive? How long is the statute of limitations on being choked to unconsciousness more times than you can remember, or having a gun held to your head until the police talk them into giving it up rather than pulling the trigger? Or waking up to a figure sitting astride you and beating you? Or the shoulder pain I still have from him separating my acromioclavicular joint in a beating? I really do want to let it go, but part of me just cannot physically relax around him. I physically recoil. My muscles still hold tension and release that adrenaline to prepare for fight or flight.
Meanwhile he is viewed as a bumbling, charming, lovely old man and I am seen as the ‘unfit mother’ as one of my girl’s friend’s mother’s once called me. Very few know my truth but so many still judge me.
I had a lot of healing with Lily while I was alone with her last month. She told me so many times how grateful she was for the time I invested in her and Amelia and what a good mother I am. I am trying hard to absorb that knowledge. To believe in it, to feel it.
I have booked to go down for another visit to George for my birthday weekend. We could not get a house sitter so I am going on my own (yippee flying, NOT). Amelia is growing and developing so fast I do not want to miss it. Lily’s MIL has kindly offered me a room for the weekend again which makes it possible.
The other mental download I had was regarding trust in myself. While watching the birds feeding they would land on anything nearby, the top of metal garden ornament or the chain holding up a planter. They seemed to have trust in whatever they landed on securely holding them. Then I heard ‘they do not need to have faith that the objects will hold them up, they have faith in their own wings to support them’. I need to have more faith in my wings to support me than in keeping my feet on solid ground, to literally have more faith in myself and my own ability.
We allllll know how I struggle with my confidence so that is not a shocker.
One thing I have spent a lot of mental energy on is whether I am indeed neuro-diverse. I found these quizzes from the UK which are obviously not equivalent to an assessment but are meant to gauge whether you should seek assistance from a healthcare professional. I have to say that none of these results surprise me.
However I shall not ‘seek a professional’ as I am already taking anxiety and depression medication which works well for me. Whether it is the correct medication or not I have no idea but if it is working then I do not want to tamper with it. What I will do is continue to read about how to cope with these ‘challenges’ as knowledge is power and in this case it can assist with my self understanding.
The other impact the taxi strike had was on our ability to get into the city safely. I had mentioned how excited I was to see Dope Saint Jude perform live on Women’s Day but the violence was still occurring in the city so ‘A’ and I decided to rather just go down to the Hout Bay village for lunch. Norm and I drove right around the village to avoid the hot spots and collected A and off we went. Norm dropped us off in the village and we wandered into Yesca’s Teahouse. I had followed them on social media and their food always looked divine but I had never eaten there but we will definitely go back!
‘A’ and I took a table in the little covered patio area as it was in the shade. We ordered our drinks and food and then a loud noise started nearby – we realised it was a generator and the exhaust fumes were floating over into the dining area.
The owner noticed and came and whisked us away to the front of the restaurant where there were no fumes and we could watch the world go by.
We ordered a variety of bits and pieces to share. We had the char sui – a barbequed pork bao. Their bao were perfection, light and not gooey.
We had the sticky chicken wings which were yummmmmm. Nicely cooked and with a lovely flavour.
The crispy little Chicken pops were gorgeous if a wee bit salty. They came with a sriracha mayo.
‘A’ and I spent hours just getting to know each other and we have so much in common in our mentality and approach to life. ‘A’ is just a wonderful human and it was a fabulous day.
We had some very comical moments of confusion due to my strong southern accent being misinterpreted by her French ears. We had a very hilarious conversation about my shaman studies – I said that I had felt ‘called‘ to study. ‘A’ thought I said I had to be ‘cold‘ to study so I can imagine her thinking of me locked in a freezer with my books. There were many of these confusing convos which made us giggle a lot.
After we finished lunch we walked over to get an ice cream from Ice Dream. Norm collected me and we went home while ‘A’ popped in to do a bit of shopping and then walked home as she is staying very near the village centre.
I snuggled up with the beasties to watch a bit of telly that night. Can you see Finn peering out from behind me? If I leave the house they act as if I have been gone forever.
It was so nice to have a paid day off of work in the middle of the week and it was lovely to eat out since most of the restaurants had been closed during the strike. I cooked a beef pot roast which served us for a few nights. I roasted baby potatoes one night and did baked potatoes another. One night we had braised red cabbage and the next we had brussel sprouts.
Last night was a beautiful warm evening. I treated myself to a wee vodka seltzer while Norm was out walking Finn.
I have nothing booked all weekend which is rare. I am going to do absolutely nothing. I will sit in my garden and watch the birds or maybe watch a film or two later. I have some studying I also want to do (and not in the freezer).
I hope you all have a wonderful weekend and week ahead, until next time, Kisses from the Kitten xoxoxox
Kitten in the City 