Touching the Wounds

In the Data Quality or Data Governance worlds, we often use fish bone diagrams to show our clients that even though they are experiencing multiple disparate business issues, if these issues are all traced back to their root causes, they ultimately point to Data issues. I am finding that many of my ‘wounds’ are similar. Um, not that they point to data quality because they would just be silly, but that maybe they all point to the same wound? The main suspect is a fear of not being heard. As that always pushes my buttons.

Is that why I married a partially deaf man? Hmmmm. A Cancerian to boot, the same astrological sign as my mother who is a bit like Alice in Wonderland? The ironies do not escape me that this may be a major lesson. I analyse this from every angle quite often. Analysis is my best as well as my worst trait. Thank you Doctor.

Is that lack of being heard linked to my childhood abuse? The fact I was not believed and that I actually did not even have a conscious memory of it happening until another traumatic incident happened in my 20s which brought back the memory of the first? I just shut it out.

Another trauma related to being heard was when I had a dream of being tied up and a gun being held to my head by masked men at my grandmother’s house and soon after I told them about my dream it actually happened. I told everyone about it and it happened exactly as my dream, but at the point of my dream, everyone told me to stop being silly. I think from then is when I stopped trusting my ‘visions’ and ‘knowledge’.

Both of these events happened to me when I was five years old. I know these things are thorns, the challenge is getting to the root of the thorn to kill it off for good. Exposing them to the light is a start, things fester especially in the dark. So unfortunate for my regular readers you have to hear about these things over and over.

I shall start to ask the creator to assist me with visions when I do drum journeys or meditations.

On Saturday at soul circle I was chatting a few times with the other women and suddenly noticed that people were listening to me. I do not mean when it was my ‘turn’ in the circle chats, we pass around a stone and only the person holding the stone is supposed to speak (but we are an ungovernable lot). I mean when we were conversing between sessions. People would stop and look at me and then whatever was in my head just drifted away…. poof! I felt heard and that terrified me!? So maybe the issue is not feeling believed rather than not feeling heard? My 3 planets in Leo wants to be noticed but the 3 in Virgo, that overly analytical, introverted part of me wants to be left alone. I used to get stared at a lot when young and as a younger woman I behaved badly to get strange men to stop staring for ages at me when out in public. If at dinner they got a wee glimpse of my food when I stuck out my tongue. Now that I am my current age it is as if I am invisible and I actually love being able to walk about and not feel stared at. It is quite freeing. I can now dress as eccentric as I wish and no one notices. Except Norm, sometimes he tells me I look like an umpire (white blazer & dark trousers), a Sheik (white dress and long white overcoat thing) or all manner of funny things. Sometimes I listen and sometimes I ignore him (no outing for the umpire but the sheik had a great time).

Anyway. What made me freeze at one point was that I was going to say something self deprecating and we had just discussed how we must not speak unkind words to ourselves, even in the form of humour. I caught myself on but then realised I have nothing else to say other than my usual barbed quips. Maybe my fear is that I am shallow? Or boring? All of the above? I am trying not to have a Virgo sense of humour but dang – I am not sure there is much left!

I know that if anyone lies to me it freaks me out. It is a deal breaker. It makes me feel like they think I am stupid for believing them, and if I did believe them, it makes me feel stupid. Any questioning of my level of intelligence really is a ‘key’ for me. I know I am clever, else I could not be self taught in IT and able to do the the specialist work that I do. I am a radiographer for goodness sake! My knowledge is usually only things which interest me. If not interested then no chance I can learn much about it, or at least I struggle to focus on it. But I can also be very naïve. What is my fear in that area? Something for me to ponder as a key to unlocking that gut reaction that hits if I am called stupid.

All of the work I am doing should reveal these wounds and help them to heal.

On Thursday night we had our first zoom meeting of the group who are studying the Path of the White Wolf course with me that I mentioned last week. It was lovely to meet the two other ladies who had not attended the in person session.

I will not be able to tell you all of the detailed info about what we study as it is taught by Rev Tass and obviously by Grandmother Robin, but I can discuss what I do myself at a high level. We have been given other home work in addition to the previously mentioned Descansos which is also coming along well. I am loving these teachings and am so eager to learn more. I did not want to read the book before the course so I shall read it each evening before bed so that it sticks in my head.

We have started learning about the Directions of the Medicine Wheel which I have written about many times. We started with discussing the East. Tass read this poem about the Eagle from the book that the course is based on. The Eagle represents the East. It is such a beautiful poem.

The book “Path of the White Wolf: An Introduction to the Shaman’s Way” is available on Amazon. You can purchase the book by clicking HERE.

If you wish to study with the Rev Tass Two Crows Flying you can email her via or you can ring her and have a chat or even WhatsApp her if you are shy on +27 84 408 9719. She has many other offerings other than this course.

Speaking of wounds….. I had my stitches out on Monday. I was a right cow all day as I was so anxious. Having the stitches out after my hip replacement was incredibly sore and I assumed this would be too. Then on the way there Norm makes up a limerick about having stitches out and starts to sing so my brain just heard ‘stitches, stitches, stitches’ repeated over and over and I finally shouted ‘SHUT UP!!’. Why do mean struggle to read the room? Or in this case car? I was almost shaking with anxiety and he was obliviously cheerful. He is always cheerful.

I have been sitting on my hill every afternoon before dinner. I love it and my hips and back are so much looser. The pets all have to join me and Finn and I watch the birds.

Sometimes Finn has to lie in my lap which makes stretching rather awkies.

Norm flew to Mexico on Tuesday and then is popping over to see my Mom. It has been a challenging week doing everything on my own and still working as I have a lot of data to document and analyse. I have had a few incidents of surprise with loadshedding which is a complete pain. Actually. just the situation is a pain but not knowing it is coming and being caught unaware is a nightmare.

On Wednesday night I had that happen. I was watching telly and was suddenly plunged into darkness. I sat on the couch for ages in the dark feeling annoyed and trying to decide whether I could be arsed to go around putting all the candles on for an hour at most. Eventually I decided to just go to bed. However, that is easier said than done as I had to try and remember which lights were on so I could switch them off to stop them all coming on at midnight, then unplug the telly so it would not have a surge or come on and terrify me. I had to carry each of the poms outside and down the front steps to pee, carry them upstairs to their beds, come back downstairs and bribe Finn inside and upstairs using biltong treats. I did not lock the gate and he escaped and I had to go through the whole process again. He is too wily for me.

Eventually the gates were locked and the alarm on and we were all cozy in bed, then while listening to Panda cough and fart it reminded me that I forgot his meds. He coughs constantly because of his collapsed trachea and like many geriatrics he does a very loud squeaky little ‘poot’ when he coughs. You just hear ‘cough, squeak, cough squeak’ if the electricity is off and there is no fan to drown him out.

I had to get back up, turn off the alarms and unlock the security gate in the dark to get his teeny tiny pill, coat it in peanut butter and then trudge back upstairs and lock everything up again, administer the pill, wash the sticky peanut butter off my hands and then try to get everyone settled again.

In the dark!!!

On Thursday night I was not having that happen again and I was so proud of how organised I was. At exactly 10 I had all the lights out, the animals medicated and in bed and I had put the air conditioner on (so that when the power comes on at midnight the air automatically starts).

I cooked for myself all week (if you can call it that!). I ate, put it that way. I made tacos on Tuesday, then turned the left over taco meat into chili con carne and I cut off all of the sweet corn off of the cobs and added it with a few tins of beans. It was delicious. I had this for 2 nights.

Michelle has been coming every day to take the big boy out for a walk in the greenbelt and he is loving it. He gets so excited when she arrives. It just takes organisation, I have a spreadsheet of meds and alarms on my phone set to remind me of the pills. I am coping! I missed having Norm to bring me a coffee in bed this morning. I got up and made myself one and went back to chaos. Finn is so jealous and of course Panda is a mama’s boy and Pixie wants to be by my side 24/7.

This afternoon I am going to a friend’s birthday pool party. It is Mexican themed and I am still not sure what I shall wear. I will not be swimming in front of other humans, I shall chill elegantly by the pool with a cool beverage.

Mark is collecting Finn and I and dropping me off and taking Finn for a play date. It takes a village to look after Finn (or is it me?)! Norm calls Mark my surrogate husband. We do depend on him a lot but he is a dependable kinda guy!

Anyway I hope you enjoy your weekend whatever you decide to do. Until next time, Kisses from the Kitten xoxoxox

One thought on “Touching the Wounds

  1. Pingback: Wounded – Kitten in the City

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