Norm and I were treated to the most amazing dinner cooked by our son in law Wes. Caitlin and Wes had been wanting to thank us for the dinner at The Pier that they ended up going to solo as I was ill and Norm was away. I had already paid the deposit so that covered their dinner, but I think I may have ultimately gotten the better deal!
First Wes served us home made focaccia bread which was still warm from the oven. He had made garlic confit and blended it with butter and a bit of lemon. The focaccia was topped with rosemary and black olives and was just divine, especially when slathered with the butter.
We relaxed outside as it was a lovely evening. I wore my new dress from Muze and I absolutely love it, it is so cool and comfy but the print makes it stylish and different. It was quite expensive but finding things in my size is a challenge and for signing up to their newsletter I got 15% off. I hope it washes well.
We moved inside to the dining room for the main and dessert. Wes had made authentic pasta carbonara which consists of browned guanciale, black pepper, pecorino Romano and beaten eggs. He acquired the guanciale in an Italian deli and he browned it a bit crispier than usual because of my texture issues. This is one of the best things I have ever eaten, it was so tasty and rich.
For dessert he made a pistachio tiramisu. He had picked up the imported pistachio chocolate from the same deli. This was so delicious! Tiramisu is Norm’s fave dessert and he devoured the whole portion, it was a bit rich for me after the pasta and I could only manage half of it.
It was a lovely evening chatting to the ‘kids’. Caitlin and I discussed some of our past traumas which may sound a bit heavy, but I think it is important to keep these things in the open to avoid any shame or mental health issues and also for the kids to understand me and why I may have behaved certain ways at times. Caitlin had remembered when the kids were young and misbehaving and me breaking a wooden spoon when smacking Trevor on the bum. I explained to her what was going on with me at that point in my life. I was suffering from severe depression and suicidal thoughts. I could barely function and the noise of 3 kids running up and down the stairs of the small wooden cabin I was living in was just too much for me and I snapped. I also did not know I was ND and I now know that this is common, inability to cope with noise.
It was just after this that I went off to Johannesburg and had daily outpatient therapy at the Tara Psychiatric mental health hospital. I told them how I had arrived one day to find an entire room full of doctors who tried to have me committed as they thought I was a danger to myself and that somehow snapped me out of it. I walked out and managed to get a job and get my shit together.
Mostly.
Wes has such a conservative family that he is often shocked by some of my stories but he tries hard not to show it (he fails bless him). Norm said that sometimes it is hard to hear about my past as it makes him sad that he cannot take away my pain. I told him that it helps me to talk about it, however painful it may be. Bring it to the light.
Caitlin said that she finally understands how hard it must have been for me to have to put my kids on a plane back to South Africa after our holidays because she is so sad when she has to leave Millie. She may have a small idea but I hope she never has to really know how hard it was. I could not let the kids see me upset so I had to try and be strong for them. I hated putting crying children on an overnight flight on their own. I had to take someone with me as I would break down so badly afterward that I could not drive home from the airport. Norm was usually with me of course but he also travelled a lot and sometimes I had to take a friend with me. I am so grateful for those women who stood by me at my hardest moments, they will never know how much it meant.
We were home by 11pm that evening and Norm wanted to have a glass of wine and relax a bit with the dogs and we then headed to bed.
On Sunday I was going to our women’s social circle at Tam’s house. It was sort of our year end ‘function’ in that it is the last time we meet until next year.
There were 6 of us there and everyone had brought lovely platters of fabulous snacks. I just rocked up ravenous and clutching a few bags of crisps as we stopped at the petrol station and that was all they had. Never mind.
I wore my new pink kaftan, I love the bright colour, it makes me happy.
Tam gave me some beautiful flowers as a thank you for the clothes and suitcase I loaned her on her trip to London. They matched my dress and look stunning on my desk where I can gaze at them.
We chatted about all manner of things, ranging from health challenges some of the women are having, various alternative therapies that they are undergoing, diet protocols, food, travel, self-care, our families, and where and how to meet decent single men (I was the only married one there).
One of the women is a steadfast believer in the Medical Medium and spoke at length about his various diets and beliefs. For example the Epstein-Barre Virus was mentioned many times but about nine out of ten of adults have antibodies that show that they have a current or past EBV infection so it is one of those ‘diagnoses’ that can apply to anyone and everyone.
Another woman is having treatments via the Energy Enhancement System (EESystem) but I have read some very dodgy information about the woman who ‘invented’ the system and who calls herself a doctor (she is a naturopath and homeopath, not a medical doctor based on my research, if anyone finds info proving she is, then I stand to be corrected).
I like empirical evidence as I am a data girl and a firm believer in science so neither of these approaches to healing resonate with me at all, but to each their own. Whatever makes one feel better, as long as you are not harming yourself or being taken advantage of in any way. Do not get me wrong, I totally believe in the powers some people have to connect to spirit and do intuitive healing. I believe in Reiki as well which I know has no ‘proof’ that it works but I have experienced it and know it does, but I do know that there are many scam artists who are more interested in profits than people and it can be hard to discern the truth.
I had my session with my therapist from the Neurodiversity Centre on Monday. Afterwards I felt so light and happy. I feel so seen and heard by her.
We talked about my inability to push the pause button when I feel like my own buttons are pushed. She mentioned a quote from an Indian philosopher whose name I missed which basically said that it does not matter who is right or wrong, or whether it is just or unjust, but how do we want to feel in our heart? That was really interesting to me. I want to try and apply that philosophy in my own life, to sit with a reaction for a minute and determine whether the thing which caused my reaction really matters. Do I want to carry that angst and trauma around with me? If not then do not engage with everyone who annoys me. It sounds so simple. The other night someone upset me online and when I got into bed I could feel my body clenched up like a fist. I applied this practice and ‘poof’ I exhaled all of the anger and angst and went happily off to sleep.
The other thing we discussed was the concept of the Three Shame Shields which was coined by Dr. Brené Brown. Shame is the the deeply uncomfortable, subconscious experience of feeling unworthy, unlovable, rejected, disconnected from others. We have different coping mechanisms for protection from feeling this shame. When we experience shame we put up defenses and guards to manage the discomfort, hurt, and anxiety. The first element of shame resilience is recognizing shame and understanding our triggers.
If we recognize our shame triggers, we can make mindful, thoughtful decisions about how we’re going to respond to shame – before we do something that might make things worse. Shame has physical symptoms. These might include a dry mouth, time seeming to slow down, your heart racing, twitching, looking down, and tunnel vision. These symptoms are different from one person to the next. For me they differ depending on what the root of that issue is as well.
I am managing the ‘Moving Towards’ aspect as I am not usually a people pleaser unless I am using it to my advantage (usually a work thing). Last week I had an incident with saying no, I often do agree to go to things just to make other people happy. I was invited to attend something and I felt an instant clench in my solar plexus. I was not sure if that was fear or whether it was anxiety or whether it was intuition. I sat with it for a bit and realised that it was discomfort so I decided not to attend. That is huge progress for me, to recognise what I am feeling and where. It is applying the teachings from my therapist.
I do have issues with Perfectionism but I always thought that was just being a Virgo!
If my shame is related to my Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria then it often results in me withdrawing. I have a history of cutting people out of my life when I feel they have harmed me emotionally or rejected me (even if it is a perceived rejection). Push them out before they push me out!
However my most common shield is Moving Against. I get incredibly angry very quickly and it is often a violent anger, throwing things or screaming. This is my biggest challenge, emotional regulation.
In order to heal how our body reacts to these triggers we need to try and integrate these ‘Orphans of Consciousness’. Most people may never understand integration or ‘Oneness’ until they’ve felt the deeply uncomfortable split that comes when we break off parts of ourselves that are not accepted or respected by society and hide them into the shadows. Oneness within ourselves can only be understood when we go down into the darkness of our shadow selves to observe, acknowledge, accept and eventually integrate those parts of ourselves back into the bigger parts of our Self, so that the family of orphans is altogether and reunited.
It was a brilliant session and I felt so ‘light’ and positive afterwards as if someone really understood me.
This week has had so many communication issues. I am selling an iPhone on Phonetradr and they have been ridiculously bad at communication and keeping me updated on progress. My phone was not visible on their website, but I did not get paid. They did not reply to me via email or via WhatsApp. I got a message to say they are collecting my phone, despite having it with them for about a month. Today it is back available for sale. Apparently they were waiting on someone to get together the cash to purchase it but they should not leave it so long IMO.
I ordered a concrete bird bath for the garden as well as some other bits from Lightworks Creations on the 1st of December. The order said expect delivery in 2 to 4 days. I followed up last Friday and they said it was being shipped on Monday. I then get an email from them saying the courier had tried to deliver and they did not know when it will be attempted again. I asked for the contact number and address they had used as I had no missed calls or SMS from anyone. I also know that no one came to the door because Finn goes mad if they do. I discovered that Lightworks Creations had given both the wrong phone number AND the wrong address! That explains why I was not ‘there’ or answering.
The products finally arrived late yesterday afternoon. I ordered a little bunny #IYKYN
And the main thing I ordered which is a beautiful mandala design birdbath. I love the design and the colours.
Today we had a meeting to wrap up the client project I am currently on and we were supposed to dress in Mauritian style (whatever that is!). This is my attempt. My hair is wet and I have nothing on my face other than lippy and it is 8am so be nice.
This week Norm and I finished a short series this week called ‘A Nearly Normal Family‘. It is an adaption of a novel by Swedish author Mattias Edvardsson. It is dubbed but it is acceptable, some dubbed series are annoying, but this one is dubbed by British actors and my brain found that amusing rather than annoying.
It was a very good series but it moved very slowly. It could have been fewer episodes. But it did keep me interested as I wanted to know the ending. But if you have any trauma associated with rape then I do not suggest you watch it. I give it 3 Kitten Stars ⭐⭐⭐
Tonight we fly to the US and I will try and keep up with writing but it takes a lot of time and I want to focus on friends and family so give me grace if I neglect you.
Until next time, Kisses from the Kitten xoxoxoxoxoxxo
Kitten in the City 