This week in my session with my therapist she told me a little story to help me understand and be able to explain to others if one of my irrational reactions occur.
I had told her about an incident when Norm had mistakenly hurt me when we were moving the new TV and when I shouted in pain, he shouted back at me instead of apologising. I then lost my cool completely and went a bit crazy, shouting horrid things at Norm and throwing a box across the room. She told me to be gentle with myself and to try to understand why I behave that way.
She said that I should picture myself as a cute little rabbit in a forest (yes I get the common animal theme #IYKYK). Someone approaches little bunny me and attempts to pet me, but I lash out and try to bite them. They are surprised at my ferocity until they see that my foot is caught in a trap. My angry reaction is because I am in pain. She said that because of my history of domestic violence in my first marriage, my body reacts in the same way as if I were back in that same situation where I was so unsafe. My fight or flight mode launches and I explode. Even though my conscious mind knows that Norm would never deliberately hurt me.
She said that if I feel myself about to lose it, I should remove myself from the situation and then afterwards to explain to Norm what triggered me and how I would like him to respond to me. It is another thing for me to work on, being mindful of my emotions before they take over my body and I say things I cannot take back.
On Saturday Norm and I decided to go for lunch in Hout Bay and I had been craving a burger from Dario’s so we went there. We took a table outside as it was such a lovely day.
We both ordered burgers, I had the bacon and avocado burger and Norm had a cheeseburger.
While we were waiting for our food to arrive, a man behind us started a very loud conversation on speakerphone. I could hear both sides of the conversation it was so loud. Then a table of loud young men sat next to us and as our burgers arrived they started talking about a bike crash where one of their bones was sticking out of their leg. Not the sort of thing I can bear to think about when eating as I have a vivid imagination and a very weak stomach.
As a result of the sea of annoying men around us we finished our food and left as quickly as possible. In the words of Amy Winehouse, ‘what is it about men?’. I never see women on speakerphones sharing their private business?
On Saturday evening I spoke to my friend Cathi who is over from Canada and we made tentative plans to meet up on Sunday. She was supposed to go with her sister to hear live swing music at the new Time Out Market in the V&A. I have only heard negative reviews about how overpriced and busy it is and I assumed that throwing live music into the mix and it being Sunday would only make it even more crowded and noisy, which is my worst nightmare. I offered to join her after the time she spent with her sister and she said she would get back to me.
Timing is everything and for the neurodivergent it can be critical. I need to know my plans and I need to have a schedule to align with those plans. Otherwise I obsess. I am not a spur of the moment kinda girl.
On Sunday I messaged her at 9am to ask what was planned. She came back to me with options to meet on Monday or Tuesday for lunch but I work during the day and have yoga on Tuesday evenings. I also have very full weekends until we go to the US so I was hoping to see her on Sunday.
I then heard nothing for a few hours and I started to feel like an afterthought or that I was so unimportant that she was trying to ‘squeeze me in’. I’ve written before about Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD) yet I did not realise that was what was going on with me until the following day when I discussed it with my therapist. I told her what had happened and how it made me feel and she asked me if I had ever heard of RSD as I was such a clear example of someone exhibiting the behaviours. She took me through a list of questions and the majority applied to me.
She said it is rooted in a lack of self worth. I know self worth is a huge issue for me and I am aware it impacts so many things. However I cannot just flip a switch and think ‘I am worthy’ even though I can keep repeating it to myself as a mantra, my body needs to buy into it.
I had once again created the situation in my head, as Cath contacted me to say we could meet that afternoon. Norm drove over to collect her where she was staying and then dropped us off at The Lookout Deck at Hout Bay harbour.
We were quite comfy so we did not ask to move to one of the picnic tables outside when one became available (they tend to be very sticky which freaks me out). We chatted and laughed, had a few vodkas and ordered some food. I used to love their ‘baskets’ which were like pub grub type servings and I thought that was the ‘combos’ mentioned on the menu but they were not the same as their old baskets, the portions were huge!
Cathi had the ribs and calamari combo. The waiter did not understand her and brought rice instead of fries. Then he brought an additional bowl of fries!
I had the prawns and calamari which used to be tempura prawns and very tidy to eat but these were far from that but they were good, I just did not want to make a mess of my new dress.
It was far too much food so I took home a bit of calamari for Norm.
Cathi always brings gifts and she brought an electronic candle lighter for me which is amazing for loadshedding as we are currently without electricity up to 8 hours a day. She also brought a UV resistant swim suit and a little blue bird for Millie. She did not know that the blue bird was my grandma’s fave bird. I love these little messages from our ancestors to let us know they are there.
We looked around and noticed the restaurant was closing so we rang Norm and asked him to send us an Uber. We hung around outside until it arrived.
Then we went to my house and joined Norm and our friend Mark for drinks outside while the dogs had a great play. Pixie is desperate to play with Hunter and just stands staring at him adoringly.
On Wednesday night we received notification that we must avoid the area by the police station. There were protests from the residents of the informal township. They blocked off the roads with burning tyres.
This week there have been multiple fires in my area. There was one on Sunday behind us and on Thursday we were notified of another fire nearby. The weather has been very hot and windy so any small flame is quickly spreading. Luckily they were all bush fires and no houses were harmed.
The mobile groomer also came on Thursday so the dogs are all smelling sweet. I am sure it will last a day or two at most. Pixie seemed very pleased with herself.
Panda will be a mess pretty quickly as he eats dirt and all manner of disgusting things.
My yoga teacher was not well so class was cancelled on Thursday so I decided to swim as it was very hot and I needed to move my body.
The water was not the cleanest but it was icy cold so I put on my costume and had a swim.
Today I am going to Soul Circle and then I have an appointment for a facial. Sunday we are going to a baby shower and braai. It is going to be a busy weekend!
I hope you all have a wonderful weekend and week ahead. Until next time, Kisses from the Kitten xoxoxoxox
Kitten in the City 
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