It was so lovely spending time with my little granddaughter Bree last Saturday afternoon. She had been sick and was a bit stuffed up but she coped like a champ. She is such a strong bodied little thing all she wants to do is hold your hands and pull herself up to stand. When I arrived she was between feeds so we got to sit and play for a while, then I fed her a bottle and we played a bit more. Then it was time for her nap and she went right to sleep in a few minutes. She slept for almost an hour and a half even with her cold so I think Poppy and I wore her out.
After she woke up she had her lunch. It was pureed broccoli, apple and fish. Caitlin casually says over her shoulder on the way out of the door ‘oh and we are allergy testing with the fish, if she goes red or anything give us a call’. I thought that is the voice of someone who has never witnessed anyone have anaphylactic shock. Luckily, Bree is not allergic. Yeah! 😉
Bree ate every bite of her lunch and then we sat outside so she could watch Poppy. Usually it is so hot when I am there but this time it was cool and drizzly so it was comfortable.
When they came home and Wes came in the gate Bree did not really react, but when Caitlin came in, Bree’s little face crumpled and she cried. It was so sweet that she spotted her mom so far away and that she was so relieved to see her Mama. She was obviously just tolerating Norm and I’s existence.
I absolutely adore having her living so near us. It was a perfect day, Wes and Cait get time alone which is so important and Norm and I get Bree time which is so important.
Wes and Caitlin had stopped off at Lello’s, an Italian deli, to get some things and they treated us each to dessert as a thank you treat! Norm had a portion of tiramisu and I had a slice of pistachio cheesecake. It was gorgeous, creamy and rich and the topping was the perfect companion.
The following day Caitlin came down with Bree’s head cold and she had to take Monday off of work. Then Bree had an upset tummy and Caitlin took her to the doctor but it was just assumed to be from the excess mucus bless her. They are both a bit better now.
Poppy was a trouper, she did not get sick on the way there but did on the way home. She lay down to recover a bit when we got home.
It was still relatively early when we came home so I relaxed in my garden feeling so content with my life and so grateful.
The next day my plan was to spend the day in the garden. I had some pots I needed to fill and some plants that needed homes.
I will spare you the video I posted at first as Norm came out and said it was too crowded so I re-jigged them. I have now changed them all again since this!
When I unstacked the terracotta pots a tiny lizard ran out of one of them which startled me and I screamed like a lunatic. I am not good with surprises. I then apologised to the lizard and thought about it for days, hoping I had not inadvertently split up a lizard family. There could be a lizard wife at home in the shrubs thinking she and baby lizard were abandoned, meanwhile mister could not find his way home after I dumped him out of a pot across the garden from where he lives.
We have seen so many lizards this week. I probably see about 5 or 6 sightings of the little geckos at the back every day but we also have a family of skinks in the garden that I spotted this week.
Norm re-hung my little hooks on the front patio. He painted them black to match the trim on the house and put them back in the same place and I added all of my little windchimes and bits. We use them to hang towels to dry when swimming.
It has been so hot and muggy all week and I have been really busy with work. On Tuesday Massimo’s had their Chicken Milanese on special so we both ordered that. Norm and I love this dish and have it every time we spot that it is available.
Thursday I ordered in a huge grocery shop as it is a long weekend and I envisioned hibernating and then Norm tells me he is away for part of it. I recovered from my sulk and invited some of the girls over on Sunday for an easy lunch to help me consume some of it. I will hibernate alone on Monday and I am perfectly fine with that.
Thursday was incredibly hot and humid. That night I cooked dinner for us and we ate on the back patio where it was cooler. I did chicken sausages (but cut them in half hence the mess), baked potatoes, sweet corn (cut off the cob cos of my teeth). Norm does not like corn so I made baked beans for him.
Last night I made pork fillet, potato and cheese croquettes with broccoli and I did corn for me again. We ate outside again where it was cooler.
I spent the day yesterday planting and pottering around. I have clipped the stem of my rock roses (echeveria elegans) as per guidance on TikTok so I hope those all come to fruition.
Norm spent yesterday pruning bushes and chopping down tree limbs. The trees were banging on the patio roof when the wind blew. I am glad I will not get spooked by them at night when they screech.
This morning I had a long lie in bed and Norm brought me coffees and Poppy checked in on me while I played games in my air conditioned bedroom.
After I got up Norm popped out to the shops for some odds and ends for the dogs while he is away and came home with some chocolate eggs, fancy chocolates and some beautiful flowers. I love white flowers, they look so elegant.
When he came home I sat outside for another coffee and a chocolate muffin and while I was preparing to take a photo Mr Blue decided to jump up and nab it but I caught him just in time and whisked it away to safety.
People often talk about their ‘Attachment Style’ but I had no clue what my style was. I saw an online quiz and took it and apparently my attachment style is ‘Fearful Avoidant’.
A few things about a Fearful Avoidant, according to this website:
- I am a compassionate, empathetic, and giving person.
- I love supporting my partner through their challenges.
- I thrive when I have a deep romantic connection.
“Also known as the “disorganized attachment style”. Relationships can feel chaotic, confusing, and overwhelming because you swing between being avoidant and anxious. Depending on the relationship, you can shift between being “hot and cold,” often feeling confused about your feelings.”
And when things don’t go my way, I apparently tend to:
Be harsh with my words, have outbursts, flip-flop between hot and cold, and most confusingly, it says I hurt my partner by telling him how I feel and also by avoiding expressing how I feel. Maybe that is what they mean by the flip flop part?
The bit about being harsh with my words is very true and I do have a lot of outbursts but the rest is just hodge podge and fillers to sell you yet another ‘improve your life’ mumbo jumbo course. Norm and I have been married for over 25 years and are still best friends, so I have no problem with whatever my attachment style is but I can be a stroppy madam if the mood strikes me. Neither of us are terribly affectionate people but we do still hold hands and show our love and cuddle. I can only tolerate so much personal touch. Whatever we have, it works! Anyway, the quiz amused me for 5 minutes. #Dopamine
This week I thought about how much I now love the back patio area and how for years after our home invasion, we would not spend time out there, especially in the evenings. Now it is my peaceful place and I feel like we have reclaimed the back of our home. This makes me so happy as I hated that those men took that sense of comfort from me, or rather that I allowed them to do so.
Speaking of letting our past haunt our present, this week we watched the OJ Simpson documentary on Netflix, American Manhunt: O.J. Simpson.
Some of it was a bit triggering as it was so familiar. It was set in Los Angeles, where the majority of my own domestic abuse took place.
However, on June 17, 1994 when the chase scene was being followed by the entire world, I was flat on my back in a Singapore hotel. I was on holiday and had put my back out and literally could not move. I managed to get an appointment with a chiropractor in a filthy hectic office who spoke not a word of English but he managed to get the job done.
Anyway, back to OJ. At one point OJ tells his friend that he cannot remember what happened on the night of the murder and Norm raged at the telly and I said that was what my ex said- he ‘saw red’ when the rage hit him and would go into a ‘blind blackout’ and afterwards he could not remember what he had done. Norm said this sounds like an excuse for someone who does not want to admit the horror of their actions or that they are actually just a violent man unable to control their aggression.
Then the new season of The Valley started this week and Jax said that he ‘went into a blind rage’ and ‘had an out of body experience’ when he threw a table across the room and hurt his wife because he was angry.
It made me think that I remember every moment of every attack, but my ex says he remembers nothing (he actually says I made it all up) and I do not know how to access the police records to prove it, that is if the records even exist as no one was ever arrested. The cops were called by the neighbours multiple times, by me multiple times and once by my ex when he thought he had murdered me. In those days they just talked you both down and went on their way, there was no mandatory reporting of domestic violence. If it was really bad (such as the time when he had a gun to my head) then they might send the husband to a hotel for the night to calm down.
Is the lack of memory a suppression of the things he cannot bear to look at about himself, and does that constant unconscious suppression affect his conscious memory? He is suffering with his memory now.
I’ve also been thinking about how the same experience can affect people so differently. I belong to a lot of neurodiversity groups and there is a strong divide of people who see their diagnosis as life saving and those who see it as life shaking.
My Autism diagnosis to me was such a relief. I finally understood why I am the way I am. It helped me to accept myself and to be able to just completely be me. I have never really hidden who I am and I think that is why it is easier? Some of my weird stims and vocal things I have always done with family because they are just as weird as I am!
Both of these discomforts with reality stem from shame, so maybe shame is the core issue? I know my ex feels shame about what he did. Maybe the people who are struggling with their ND diagnosis have been conditioned that any form of mental illness is shameful? I remember that they say addiction is rooted in shame.
I do not feel shame for any of the things that have happened to me. I can acknowledge my role in the things which have happened. I was not who I am now, a warrior: a brave, fearless woman who really does not care what anyone thinks.
When I was younger I was haunted by the fear that I would be committed. The word ‘crazy’ has always been a trigger for me. I had an aunt which everyone called ‘crazy’ and she was a diagnosed schizophrenic.
I watched the film One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest far too young. It came out in 1975 so I was an impressionable 14 year old who was far too advanced for her years. I really identified with ‘Chief’, the Native American played by the late Will Sampson. This film solidified my fears of The Crazy.
I have written before about almost being committed to Tara, a mental hospital. Their proposal to have me stay resulted in so much terror that I never returned for my weekly out-patient therapy. Instead, I found a job and then found my own place to live and got back to living my life. I woke TF up from my pity party. Believe me, I had reasons for the self pity but that never helps us, it can drag us so far down.
My life changed from that day, so maybe that fear was a great motivator to take back control of my life! Once I was diagnosed it completed that self-understanding and my self contentment now is so comforting.
It was so lovely to have a day to do nothing except what I wanted to do. Today will be the same! I hope you have managed to get some time off this weekend to rest and that you have a lovely week ahead.
Until next time, Kisses from the Kitten xoxoxox
Kitten in the City 