Last week I mentioned that I had been off of work with gastro the previous Friday, but when I posted on Saturday I was feeling so much better that I had dinner that night thinking it was a 12 hour bug and I was recovered. Unfortunately, I woke in the middle of the night again being ill. I had another intense period of gastro and then slept again for hours. I decided to take Monday off of work as I was feeling dreadful, my head was pounding, I felt lightheaded and dizzy.
As Norm was going away this week I decided to pop in on Tuesday afternoon to let my GP check me out as I have always had ear issues and the vertigo was dreadful. I told the GP my saga and when I told him that I had assumed the headache was dehydration and had been pushing the energade, he said that it could have been the energade that triggered the second round of ‘gastro’ upset as it is purely sugar and consuming vast amounts of sugar quickly can result in sugar dumping, which unfortunately is exactly what it leads to. Pun intended. Dr J gave me something for my head, nausea and vertigo, told me to use rehydrat instead of energade as it is balanced and contains electrolytes and not just sugar.
Once I stopped my sugar pumping, I stopped the sugar dumping. I gave myself some massage in the head and neck areas which seemed to still hold toxins and eventually I felt back to my old self.
This week I registered on Instagram for a competition for a Teal Swan subscription.
I was sent several links to various videos of hers and I watched this one about Fragmentation and my mind was blown. Not in regards to her statement that “Everything is made of Consciousness” as my Animism beliefs are aligned with that, but rather the bits about the splitting off, the fragmented ego, and how the vulnerable self is usually repressed in favour of the stronger ‘personality’ which steps in to protect us when we suffer any sort of trauma.
We all carry so many ‘micro-traumas’ that may have stayed with us, and sometimes the perpetrator of that trauma has so completely detached from what they did that they do not even remember it. For example, I remember once when I was young my Mom slapped me hard across my face. I had never been slapped before and it shocked me. Why did she slap me? Because I was begging her to stay at home with me instead of going out.
I remember it like it was yesterday, my Mom was holding the bright toxic yellow phone receiver in her hand. It was a rotary dial phone with a really long, stretched cord and was attached to the kitchen wall.
I was standing at her feet, tugging on her clothing, pleading with her and crying. Then, she looked down at me with a look as if she wanted to kill me and then ‘slap‘.
As an adult I can look back and somewhat sympathise with the fact that she did not trust her husband (my father) and he worked as a bouncer in a nightclub as his second job and all the ladies loved my charming Daddy. Mom wanted to go to the club and check on him, but I wanted my mama at home with me. As I am an only child I assume I was supposed to stay next door with my grandmother whom I adored, but since my Mom worked all day I only had evenings or weekends to spend time with her and did not want her to go. Of course, back then I probably had no idea where she was going or why, I worked all of this out later when I put various memories together.
So how did my ‘inner child’ cope with this situation? They hardened their heart against being abandoned by keeping people at a distance and they modelled their personality on their charming Father, the unfaithful parent, not the clingy, needy parent.
Today was my mom and dad’s wedding Anniversary. This was them in Daytona with my dad’s cousin’s car taken in the 70’s.
We were watching Young Sheldon this week and that episode’s story was almost exactly a situation I was in as a child. I think I have mentioned before that I learned how to drive a tractor when I was really young? If not, or if you missed it, I did, as did all of my cousins. We had acres of land and the fields needed to be mowed and the kids would rotate turns mowing it as we loved driving the big red tractor. I remember that the wheel was the same height as I was.
My field acquired driving skills were not tested in a proper car on actual public roads until I was 14 which is also when I had my first car accident. My Aunt J wanted to go to a bar to meet someone but she was late and still needed to put on her makeup so she decided I could drive her there and she could do her makeup on the way. I was feeling myself and thinking I was a grown ass woman and making eyes at some long haired dude in the car next to me when I crashed into the rear end of another car which was stopped at a traffic light. When we hit, my aunt jumped out of the passenger side and into the driver’s seat to pretend it was her who had been driving. Auntie said to everyone that I have seizures and that she saw one coming on so she quickly changed seats when they told her they saw her do the swap. We had the police there but I do not remember anything coming of it. I am sure my Aunt J talked her way out of it. If a man was involved, she could always wrap him around her finger.
My aunt however was bipolar, schizophrenic and toxic when she was not being flirtatious. I remember some of the things she used to do and the horrifically inappropriate things she would say to me as a child. Once I had grown up and had my own children I did not allow her to be left alone with them at all. I stopped the cycle of her being inappropriate with my own kids, even though I was not protected from her toxins and poisonous words and I have many micro-traumas from her.
So what do we do about all of our different personalities? I shall try to be aware of the different characteristics and feelings that are within me and their ‘personalities’. I will also observe how I interact with various other people, family and friends. For example, our family all use baby voices. Yes, annoying baby voices. I notice I particularly revert to the baby voice when I want something. I am going to try and stop that BS cos it annoys even me.
I can easily slip on the mask of the clown, the heyoka. The loud one who is always laughing and amusing everyone. But being your true authentic raw self, letting people see your heart, your soul? That is much harder.
I was thinking this week about the fine line between codependency and looking after someone out of love. Codependency in a relationship is when each person involved is mentally, emotionally, physically, and/or spiritually reliant on the other. How does one determine where the line is? I was reading about a woman who had quit drinking after 20 years of marriage. Very few people knew about the alcoholism as the husband always protected her. He whisked her home when things started getting out of hand so few people saw her messy and sloppy, they saw the fun version at the start of the night. They did not see what the husband dealt with, the drinking to the point of being ill, cleaning up the messes. Dealing with abuse and aggression when things went dark. Putting the wife to bed and giving her a Bloody Mary for the hair of the dog the next day when the cycle starts all over again. The husband said he did not see it as enabling her, he saw it as keeping her happy as all he wanted to do was make her happy.
At some point the need for honesty must outweigh the need to show love. Luckily I am such a lightweight in regards to alcohol that Norm does not have to worry about that one at least. Goodness knows he has enough to contend with already with me, I know I can be a handful.
I have had a real issue with my plants being devoured by something or another this year and it has been frustrating trying to catch the hungry wee culprits. This week I noticed so many butterflies in our garden! I then realised that in order to have those butterflies we maybe had to have the gnawed plants in order to nourish the caterpillars. I’ve mentioned that I am not good at the whole cause and effect thought process but this one hit me this week, the potential link between the 2 situations.
Speaking of eating things, Finn nearly ate a delivery man this week. I had an order arrive so I went through the garage and locked Finn in the front garden, forgetting that the wooden fence stopping him from entering the driveway area is knackered and that he is a brute. I had opened the main gate about the width of my legs akimbo. How do I know this? Because my spread legs and dress were the only things standing between the certain mauling of the dude leisurely digging about in the back of his delivery bike. He did not seem to speak any English or else he did not understand my Belfast accent. I say Belfast because for some reason I turn into Ian Paisley when I am in a panic. I was trying not to scream and just said somewhat calmly, “can you please go quickly as the dog is loose” meanwhile Delivery Man carried on slowly fiddling with his phone trying to scan the bar codes. I finally screamed “HURRY For F%$# Sake!!!” and he seemed to finally notice Finn slavering and frantically growling loudly at the gate a few inches away from him.
My nerves were shot all to hell afterwards.
I cooked this week as Norm is away I wanted something that lasts a few days and can be eaten with different sides to shift the sameness. I made a bit pot of chili con carne and had it just as chili one night, as toppings for nachos one night and tonight may have it with a baked potato or just a salad. I never get tired of chili.
Today I went to the local Skin spa to have HIFU ultra-sound skin tightening, aka the Non-surgical Facelift. My main issue is my multitude of chins and loose skin on my neck area. It is not cheap, the 1st session was over R2800 which was a bit of a shock (pun intended) but if it works it will be worth it. Basically you lie down on the bed, they cover you with a cold gel, then they do 3 rounds of applying the device to your face, then 2 more rounds of the wand. I only did my lower face but you can apply it to wherever you want improvements. It is not actually painful, but it is extremally irritating. It is a bit like a tattoo and laser hair removal had a baby. Much like getting a tattoo, your skin is highly sensitive from the same stimulus being applied multiple times to the same area. I used my feet to try and dispel the energy, my lil toesies were twitching like they had mini-tasers in them.
The things we do to ourselves to try and look young and beautiful. I actually ended up doing this by accident. Not like I fell on the table and she attacked me with her wand, but a friend and I were talking about a woman she knew who looked amazing but had no down time so could not have had a proper facelift, so I used my ADHD special detective skills and discovered this treatment. I had gone in for a facial special and I asked my therapist about it and the next thing I know I am booked in.
On Thursday it was 31℃ (about 90℉), but the weather yesterday and today has been overcast, chilly and extremally windy.
This week I have not been to yoga due to being ill so instead I have been dancing around the house so I am sharing my two new fave songs. The first ear worm I am providing is by British singer Olivia Dean. I have written about her music before. The stunning Olivia is the product of an English father and a Jamaican-Guyanese mother and she has a lovely voice. She started her singing career with Rudimental. I think this track has an almost retro vibe? I can just imagine doing a Supremes type set of background hand movements at karaoke. Not that I ever go to karaoke as I cannot sing (but that does not stop me belting it out full volume at home).
The other song that I am singing constantly at the moment is ‘People Pleaser’ by Cat Burns. Cat is only 23 and is also British. She is a singer/ song-writer and her music was first noticed by most people when she released her single ‘Go‘, a song that gained popularity through TikTok, eventually reaching number two on the UK Singles Chart.
I dare you to keep still in your seat when listening to ‘People Pleaser’, I bopped around the house with Finn to this song just this morning. He loves dancing with me and it gets me moving about at least. I thought this song was being sung by Lily Allen when I first heard it, they both have a similar tone and the same London accent.
I am going to have one last coffee outside and hope my head does not blow off, the wind is a bit mental. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend and week ahead.
Until next time, Kisses from the Kitten xoxoxoxoxo
Kitten in the City 
Pingback: The Golden Thread – Kitten in the City