As much as I loved being down in the Garden Route with my SIL, daughter and granddaughter for a month, it is a long time to be away from my home, my pets and my husband. I cannot remember when Norm and I were apart this long. Norm flew down on Monday and then we flew home to Cape Town together on Thursday evening. Josh drove me to the airport to collect Norm on Monday and then dropped us both off on Thursday.
I had planned a lovely roast chicken dinner to greet Norm on the Monday night, but the chicken was off and it smelled dreadful. I had already parboiled the carrots and put potatoes in the microwave and warmed the oven. So we ended up ordering chicken from Nando’s and serving it with my vegetables. I would have had a nervous attack previously but I just accepted the situation, figured out how to resolve it, did my best and carried on. That was my mantra all month – I am doing my best.
I cooked dinner where possible and it was always appreciated. I helped Lily with laundry and tried to keep the house tidy. My goal was to keep Lily fed and hydrated to assist with her milk production and to keep her rested and calm to help with her healing from her surgery. I basically kept her in bed as much as possible and force fed her like a Christmas Goose.
As result when the lactation nurse came on Wednesday she said that Amelia was doing so well she could stop the supplementary feeds. Amelia Ray had picked up weight and her jaundice was gone. Lily has done a brilliant job, she is such a good mommy.
We had a torrential downpour of rain and thunder and lightning on Wednesday but the view is always spectacular regardless of the weather and I could sit on the porch and ponder life for ages.
Before Norm came down to George he had found it funny that I would be tucked up in my bed watching a series by 7pm. Then when he felt how cold it was he was all for climbing in bed and watching with me! I quite enjoyed it much to my surprise.
On Thursday before we left for the airport I had a long cuddle with Amelia Ray. We sat on the back porch in the sun.
I love it when she holds my hand with her little hands.
Of course Ragnar was not very happy that I was leaving him.
The flight home was uneventful. In fact the pilot gained almost half an hour and it is only a 50 minute airtime. There was no traffic on the roads and we were home in no time, greeted by 5 hysterical pets.
Last night was brutally cold and Norm built a big fire for us and the animals all settled in around us. They certainly missed us!
As regular readers know, I am a consultant on a huge development project. I love what I do but I have dreadful imposter syndrome and always doubt myself. Something went wrong this week and of course I blamed myself. The issue had absolutely nothing to do with me, it was a data engineer mistake (I am the Data Architect). But I am always the first to admit if I mess up, some people try to cover their tracks but that is not my style. Apparently I fess up even when it is not my fault at all. My team lead sent me this message which made me tear up. He has no idea how much this meant to me.
One thing about being around neurodivergent people is that you need to be prepared to have your own idiosyncrasies reflected back at you, but reframed from the perspective of someone who has been ‘diagnosed’.
For example, we were talking about odd food habits as Josh and Lily will not eat onions. I mentioned that when I was a child I would have phases where I would only eat the same thing for ages. For example, I remember once when we went on holiday to Florida I was in my fish stick era and the only thing I would eat was fish sticks. My uncle took us for dinner to a place that served fried snapper fingers. Dang I loved those things and insisted we go there almost every night. Another phase was toasted cheese sandwiches. My daughter who has been diagnosed as being on the spectrum told me that is a neurodivergent trait.
Or we commented on Josh constantly bouncing his knee and I mention that I wiggle my toes because no one can see it and Caitlin tells me that is ‘masking’ my behaviour so that no one is aware of my habits.
Or if someone gives me a lot of info all at once, I only get part of it. Even if it is something easily understood it may not all stick. This is also a neurodivergent trait.
I thought about the ‘labels’ we put on both ourselves and on others. Sometimes the labels can be seen as negative (‘abnormal’) but they can also be seen as a liberating discovery (thank you for that phrase Nikki!)
For example, if I had known that my daughter was on the spectrum when she was a toddler I would have parented her differently as I would have tried to see her experiences through her perspective. She was not reacting to what I might perceive but rather to her own internal dialogue.
My own behaviour which I thought was just because I was a weirdo, is more than likely because I am also neurodivergent. Accepting that I often say inappropriate things, that I have minimal filters or self restraint is one thing, but to also try and be conscious of my impact on others. I am terrible at reading people’s expressions but I can read their energy and their body language like a book. I have to accept the positive of these things and be aware and grateful of the benefits and try to manage the deficits.
Today we had our monthly Soul Circle. It was pouring rain when I woke so I dressed warmly and took plenty of blankets. Tam picked me up and off we went to the Sky Above Yoga venue.
This month’s topic was “radical acceptance and the personal empowerment it brings”. The idea being that you can stop pain from becoming suffering by acceptance. I seldom know the topic before the session as I attend because the sessions always bring me some sort of enlightenment which is relevant to me right at that moment, regardless of the topic.
We all settled into our spots and we were taken through a meditation by Nikki the leader of the session. Nikki talked to us about what Radical Acceptance is and what it is not. For example, acceptance does not necessarily mean approval of the situation or the behaviour of others. For example, if you are stuck in a domestic violence situation, you would NOT need to approve of the behaviour of the other person, but you have to accept the situation you find yourself in and then decide what you need to do to change the situation. Alternatively, you may choose to accept the situation because you are afraid of the consequences of your decisions.
It is not acceptance of untruths, i.e. assumptions. It is not pushing away your emotions and denying them. It is not giving up. It is avoiding the ‘why me’ spiral.
Basically, suffering is pain with attachment.
We then were asked to write down 3 small, 3 medium and 3 large things we need to accept. If you could not think of 3 that was okay and if you had more than 3 that was also okay.
For my small ones I chose “Finn Loves Socks” and “Friday afternoon meetings”.
For my large ones I chose “Imposter Syndrome at work”, “My ex-husband’s presence in my life”.
We did 2 break away sessions where someone volunteered one of their items and then the facilitator took you through a series of questions about it. I volunteered my ‘Imposter syndrome’ item and we drilled down to the actual core of the issue, why I feel so unsure of my ability and have such self confidence issues. Immediately my sexual molestation as a child came up and the fact that I was not believed when I told my family.
The path to healing is to accept that I should have been believed and the change is that I will always believe my child or grandchild if they tell me they have a ‘funny feeling’ or they are uncomfortable around another person.
I must accept that I am actually an intelligent person, I know what I am talking about at work (as has been proven over and over). I need to trust myself.
It is all a path of change and acceptance. I am starting to accept myself as I am – flaws and all. It is a constant redirection and monitoring of the inner voices, but that in itself is progress.
I am feeling so blessed and grateful of my life. I hope that you are also accepting, or that you have a plan for change to help you reach that point.
Until next time, Kisses from the Kitten xoxoxoxox
Kitten in the City 
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