This week I have learned some new terminology for some of the same old ‘quirks’. I keep discovering that the weird little behaviours I have always done are either stims, or characteristics of either Autism or ADHD.
For example, constantly singing is a ND trait. I sing continuously either in my head or out loud. If someone says a phrase that triggers a song thing I HAVE to sing. My manager once said ‘to the left’ as part of a sentence and I launched into Beyonce on a very serious zoom call with the client.
In my favour I got some sort of consolation prize when we had our project awards. It was for ‘always keeping people on the team laughing when there was a crisis’. I guess that is good?
One term I just learned is Rumination, but specifically in regards to being neurodiverse. I am someone who tends towards obsessive thoughts. I can get stuck on something and find it difficult to ‘loop’ out of it. Rumination only applies to getting stuck obsessing negatively I think so I guess I am 98% ok with this one? If it just means to think about something for a long time, then I am 100% affected as I can spend hours watching a single tree. I use this for meditation and sometimes I am thinking of nothing except how happy I am in that moment. However sometimes I use it to think about something specifically. I always used to think it was a wee bit obsessive.
Another term I learned is Limerence. Fundamental to understanding limerence is recognizing that limerence and love are different. Love is a feeling of attachment and wanting to commit to another person. In contrast, limerence is an unhealthy, obsessional mixture of emotions. It can generate intense jealousy of other friendships or relationships. My current relationships are all relatively healthy, but I have been on the receiving end of obsession and I have obsessed over other people myself! It is a very unhealthy attachment which makes your stomach churn from anxiety. I know I have imagined relationships that did not really exist, or cared more about the person than they did me, the problem is knowing when it slips from love into limerence? I am so blessed to have found my person, I would not want to have to go through the whole ‘getting to know you phase’ at this stage of my life. I certainly would not be happy about the getting my kit off bit of the whole process!
I have had a high stress week. My client has run out of funds for me, but wants me back next month so for a month I have to do desk work (working on internal company documentation and data rules). In the meantime I had a deliverable to get out before I rolled off on Thursday so I was franticly trying to get that finished which caused it’s own levels of stress.
The US election has me stressed. The risk to democracy if the orange grifter wins does not bear thinking about. I had other people creating drama for attention unnecessarily. I had people deleting me over politics. If their lack of care for the marginalised is so great, I do not want them around me anyway.
I have a bit of an online shopping addiction. I am not rolling in debt, but I spend more than I probably should. Then we come to the word ‘should‘. Who decides what I should spend? I earn it so I can choose how to spend it right? Then why do I feel guilty??
Anyway. I ordered 2 sets of little tables and chairs for the grandbabies and the shipping company damaged them both in transit. The corners got bashed badly and the man I ordered from is making new table tops for me. I felt bad that he had to lose out on his profit, but it is not my fault it happened but I had to deal with it and all of that stressed me out.
Then I mentioned in last week’s post that I had ordered the concrete items and that the owl seemed a bit small. I checked the website and the measurements and I had been sent the wrong owl. There was a big difference in price so I emailed them and they rang straight away and told me that they will send the correct one this week and it arrived on Thursday. Brilliant service. The irony is the bigger one is not as cute as the medium one.
The cold and rainy weather was also killing my energy. I need sun, I need to touch grass, I need to sit outside and without it I felt so deflated.
I just felt so discombobulated and as if everything was chaotic or difficult.
Tuesday was the usual evening for our social group but there were only a few of us so Tam was of two minds about whether to cancel it. It was just so cold the idea of getting changed was daunting, but I braved it in support of my friend (and for the cookies).
BUT!!! It turned out to be an amazing evening! Tam and I have both been talking about trauma settling in your body and the need to acknowledge it and deal with it in order to heal and move on. The lady who joined us is a therapist who deals with exactly that!!! It is called Somatic. I definitely want to go to her about release of some of my ‘stuff’.
She said one thing about not really believing you HAVE to forgive someone, especially if they have never acknowledged what they did to you or apologised. This hit me so hard I actually screamed so loud I made my throat sore for days. I definitely want to book a session with her.
The next morning this came up for me.
I know that I need to do some inner healing work. Then today I saw a post from another woman who is doing sessions for free as part of her training and I signed up for a session later this month. It focuses exactly on what I need! I will tell you more about it at the time.
The weather finally flipped on Wednesday and was gorgeous. I took my afternoon coffee outside and was delighted.
Norm popped out to walk Finn and collect dinner for us and he messaged to say he had a nail in his tire. It was dark and I cannot see to drive so he got a friend to bring him around. Finn saw our friend Mark and his dog Hunter briefly but Finn had to come back inside while Norm went to sort his tire. Finn was heartbroken.
The weather held on Thursday and was just glorious. Tamlyn and I went for Mexican food at Mamacita’s in the Cape Town city centre that evening.
She fetched me but there was a road blockage from an over-turned truck so we were a wee bit late. The venue is on Harrington Street and it felt a bit surreal as I used to walk this road every day when I was based at my client’s head office. It was about a kilometer from my parking to the office and it is a rather dodgy area of the city so it always felt a bit risky. Luckily there were plenty of people about last night so it did not seem too dodgy. Some of the buildings on the road have been ‘gentrified’ and the whole area was buzzing with people.
We were seated at the back of the restaurant. As it was the 1st of the month (payday) and they were running a special on burgers and beer or 3 cocktails for R140 that night and the place filled up and stayed busy all night. I loved their playlist, it was all old school music. The music was also not so loud that my geriatric ears could not cope but the customers singing were loud AF. At one point the whole bar was singing along to a song.
We ordered 2 of their tapas to share as starters. We had the pico de gallo with chips and the guacamole with chips. Both the pico de gallo and the guac were freshly made and gorgeous.
I ordered a frozen strawberry margarita which was delicious.
I had a difficult time deciding which taco filling I wanted. First I ordered the pulled beef, but the waiter explained that the Birria sauce was served on the side and I could have crispy or soft shells so I changed my mind to the Shrimp Birria tacos. When my food arrived I was half way through one of the tacos before I realised it was not shrimp, but it tasted so yummy I did not care and carried on happily with the beef. They were piping hot and the cheese was oozing out of them. They were gorgeous! The portion was a bit big for me and I only managed two and a bit of the tacos which meant I had no room for dessert.
The Pulled Beef Birria Tacos dish was described as: 3 corn tortillas fried and filled with pulled beef, birria sauce, cheese, fresh onion and cilantro, topped with smokey paprika aioli and sour cream. Served with a cup of birria sauce for dipping.
They had some gorgeous looking churros for dessert and I will save space next time for them as I am very fond of a good churro! All in all my meal was perfectly done, my cocktail was gorgeous and I give it 4.5 Kitten stars. The half point loss is because our table was wedged between other tables full of people who were very loud, kept faffing about and one of the woman kept flipping her hair into our general table area. Seating in a peaceful position is important to me and due to my PTSD I am not good with having my back exposed, so maybe it is unfair to penalise them for my traumas? As if they care what this lil ole Kitten thinks hahaha.
Friday was a bit colder but at least it was not raining. I had a morning meeting which gave me my next assignment so I was so busy the day flew by. Norm picked up take aways from The Beach Bar and I had the Lobster Linguine. Oh my goodness this was soooo divine!!! I think I have found my new fave local pasta. Since mine came via a takeaway container I knicked a pic to use from our local Facebook group.
Today I attended our monthly women’s group. The topic was ‘Tune In / Tune Out’. It was a lovely session as always. I arrived all in a spin of emotions and anxiety and after a few rounds of meditation I was calm and relaxed. I took my meditation cushion and sat cross legged on it and I relaxed so much in the meditation that the tightness in my hip released! I have been struggling with my hip and knee for a while now.
In the break out bit we were paired up with another member and we were to present a decision we are facing and discuss it. I was paired with a woman I have only met once before and did not know at all. She presented her issue to me and we chatted about it. Afterwards, she said that I asked her a question which just completely confirmed to her what the answer to her decision was. It made me feel happy that I helped her even if a little bit.
One of the other women read the beautiful passage below by Sylvia Plath.
This is such a strong lesson for those who live their lives trapped in a cycle of immobility due to indecision. Those who live without risk, without adventure, safe in their own little cocoon. Life is all about decisions, what to have for breakfast, where to go on the weekend, who to spend your precious time with. Some of us can make a decision with no forethought -instinctually if you will. Some of us have to contemplate. I waffle back and forth between the two.
Again it was focusing on intuition. A thing I am working on building is my own intuition and my acknowledgment of that intuition.
It is a gorgeous day and I am going to potter about in my garden. But before I leave you I want to provide you with this song. I love Orville Peck and this song came up the other day and I remembered how gorgeous his voice and the lyrics are. I hope you enjoy it too.
I hope you all have a lovely weekend and week ahead. Until next time, Kisses from the Kitten xoxoxox
Kitten in the City 
Pingback: Nurturing Touch & Sound – Kitten in the City