Today we had our Women’s Soul Circle. Usually I just get up, get dressed and go but as Norm is still away I had to wake early enough to give Panda his meds so that he had an hour for them to settle before he ate, feed them all (standing over them the entire time to ensure no one steals anyone else’s food) and get out of the house for 9am. I was well impressed with my scheduling until I went to leave and the garage door was open so I had to negotiate with Finn to come back into the house and let me leave so I chucked a handful of treats across the room and ran, but then the gate on the driveway would not close for ages which had me all frazzled.
The topic of today’s session was ‘A Celebration of You’. We started with meditation and relaxation. Then we were asked to list qualities that we avoid in other people. I chose unreliable, liars, racists, bigots, negative or pessimistic people.
We then had to list things we reject in ourselves. I listed being emotional, being volatile, being vulnerable or feeling stupid. We then were asked to pick one of these and think of what the ‘opposite’ of that is and then how you could frame it in a positive term.
I chose ‘vulnerable’ and I know exactly when showing vulnerability was literally knocked out of me. Remember the face slap in last week’s blog? It was then. After that I learned that showing your emotions or being needy was not acceptable.
We talked about the importance of integrating all of the different parts of you into a whole. That if we reject parts of us then we are not embracing our full self or potential. Everything has an opposite. Dark and light, male and female, yin and yang.
This made me think about how in my studies of the Path of the White Wolf, we learned about the Divine Masculine and the Divine Feminine and that I call in whichever energy I need depending on what I am doing. I mentioned that I feel as if I ‘present’ as Feminine, but my energy is very Masculine as is my way of thinking. One new woman piped up with ‘VERY masculine’ which I found a bit odd as she literally had never met me. When we had a break so many of the ‘regulars’ came up to tell me they were shocked by me saying that as they see me as very feminine and even maternal which somewhat surprised me. I am only maternal to those I care about the rest of the world is on their own. 🤣
Then we were given a piece of paper folded into a sort of fan shape and we were to add our name to the outside, then pass it around the room and each of the other women wrote words that described each of us. I loved almost all of the words and phrases the women added for me, but I was not sure what ‘attitude’ meant – that could swing into a compliment or an insult really quickly! I loved the ‘you have no idea how powerful you are’ comment. If you click the arrow on the right you can view the other comments.
We each then wrote down a fact about ourselves that most of the other women would not know about us. I wrote that I had been a guest of the Queen of England at multiple of her homes. But I was the last one to go so everyone knew it was me. It was a fun exercise as I learned several interesting things about some of the other women.
Afterwards when Tam dropped me off at my house the gate was acting up again and I could not get in. I stood for ages pushing the button to open, to close, to open, to close…..eventually it opened enough for me to quickly squeeze through with my bags and then it refused to close again. It was very exasperating.
This week I had my second session with my therapist from the Neurodiversity Centre. One thing that came up was my various methods of ‘self-medicating’ and we discussed my issues with food at length. One of the things she said is that when I feel an urge to binge, try to focus internally and identify what it is I am feeling because it is very seldom hunger that drives one to binge.
My therapist asked whether it was something that I obsess over and I told her that I have not been obsessing about food but I have rather been obsessing about dying or getting diabetes FROM the unhealthy food. I am the sort who always tries to focus on positive things and not even mention the negative so I hate putting these things in writing but it was something that I really was obsessing over constantly. Ironically, despite this obsession I still ate the M&Ms. Two ‘share’ sized packs this week and of course I shared nothing as I was home alone. So what is it that makes me do things which I know are bad for me or detrimental to my health?
I had a realisation that for me it is often a need to keep my hands busy. Don’t get me wrong I am happy to eat any kind of sweets but I prefer the ones that keep your hands as well as your mouth busy, like M&Ms for example. So I have been using my stress ball squeezy and I even started using the watercolour pencils the kids gave me to keep my hands busy colouring in some of the drawings Caitlin had made to get me started. I find it really relaxing and now understand the whole adult colouring book craze!
I also received various bits of information from multiple sources I have subscribed to and this week I received the ‘5 Pillars to Manage your ADHD’ by the Attention Deficit Disorder Association (ADDA).
1- Learn self-acceptance. The sooner you accept that you have ADD then the sooner you can educate yourself and learn about it. Be patient with yourself while you learn about how your mind works.
2 – Take control of your life. Make lists, set reminders or do what you need to do to keep yourself focused on your objectives.
3 – Get enough sleep. Most people with ADHD have incredibly active minds. Create a routine or a bed time ritual to help you prepare for sleep. Try meditation or something to help you calm your busy mind.
4 – Avoid over-committing. Neuro-divergent people have to be careful to ensure they get enough down time and rest to avoid anxiety and burn out.
5 – Build a support network. You can either have a therapist or a group session or whatever suits your needs, but ensure that you have other people who understand your challenges.
My therapist mentioned that she finds that Anxiety is the Golden Thread across almost all neurodiverse people, whether they have ADHD, bipolar, depression or are on the spectrum. I told her that I had always assumed that the ND caused the anxiety but it is a bit of a chicken / egg situation: does the anxiety cause the behaviours or do the behaviours result in anxiety?
I told the therapist about my anorexic period at University and that I was engaged to a man who emotionally abused me. He would tell me that I should be grateful for him as no one else would love me. He harped on my weight and I was really thin then. I started to monitor every mouthful I ate and would allow myself a few grapes and a tiny bit of tuna each day. I was studying all day and then doing my internship at night so was working long hours. Then one day when I was at the hospital pushing an X-ray machine I fainted from low blood sugar.
My fiancé’s grandmother died just after that and he went to Montana for the funeral. When he left it was as if I awoke from a dream or that I had been hypnotised and someone snapped their fingers. Even to me it sounds crazy. When he came back I told him I did not love him and I was breaking off the engagement. His parents tried so hard to convince us to elope. After he went I just seemed to slowly get back to myself and the extreme food issues went away.
I told my therapist about the domestic violence from my ex-husband which had led to some food issues. I told her about my need to be financially independent due to the issues with control I had with my ex. He tracked the mileage on my car, recorded my phone calls and doled out a meager cash allowance for me to manage the house on. I did not have access to the bank account.
Now I have my own salary which goes into my own bank account, my own savings and my own pension. Norm does not know what I have and I have no idea what he has. If I had to walk out right now I would be fine. I never intend to go anywhere as Norm is my forever husband and I absolutely adore him, but for my own mental stability I need to know that I have some level of control over my finances.
I think my therapist must be a bit shocked at all of the things I have told her as there is a LOT of baggage in my closets and I have only told her a small satchel’s worth of it. Samsonite got nothing on me. She wants to see me weekly until the end of the year and then we have to apply again in the new year to get my insurance to subsidise the sessions. She thinks that she will be able to help me with coping mechanisms for handling my ND symptoms and behaviours.
Norm came home today from his latest trip. I have him here until Tuesday when he leaves again. The thing is I used to panic when he would leave me on my own, but now that I have done it for so long this month, I have implemented controls to help me. I set reminders to give the dogs their meds, I am now able to manage getting the poms up and down the stairs as my knees have improved. I even cooked for myself the entire time and did not have any take aways. Other than the M&Ms I ate pretty healthy. I even forgot to put the alarm on last night whereas I am usually completely paranoid.
I think the most helpful thing is having Finn go to the Doggy Daycare. He comes home so exhausted that he just wants to eat and chill out. He is a big energetic boy so it can be overwhelming if he has not had a proper outing.
Caitlin went down to visit the family in George last week and got some quality time with little Millie and her siblings. Left to right is Lily, Caitlin holding Millie and my son Trevor. I have such gorgeous children if I say so myself (of course I may be a bit prejudiced).
Norm has bought tickets for me to fly down after he gets back from his next trip. I have not seen Millie since my trip down in September and she is growing like a weed.
Tomorrow we are supposed to go to a Halloween Party at The Beach Bar in Hout Bay. I have no idea what I will wear.
I hope Norm has the energy after his trip as I am sure he is exhausted. Of course he started cleaning as soon as he got home. I barely managed to keep the kitchen tidy and did absolutely nothing else. There is so much dog hair on the floor it looks like billowing clouds of cotton candy. I can only do so much and cleaning was low on my priority list. It probably helps that I am blind as a bat.
I hope you all have had a lovely week and weekend and until next time, Kisses from the Kitten xoxoxox
Kitten in the City 
Pingback: The Gift – Kitten in the City