Norman and I have only just returned from our annual trip to the US to visit my mother where I also saw friends and family. I saw very few people and I went very few places, the trip was about spending time with my mom who is in poor health.
I was surprised at how much her health had deteriorated from last year. Last year she was ambulatory and could manage a short distance using her walker for balance. She was not using her wheelchair unless we went to Costco or some large shop and there was no electric shopping trolley available. This year she was too weak to manage more than a few steps and I could see how her leg muscles have atrophied. Her feet were also terribly swollen and looked very painful but they did not seem to bother her at all, but seeing as she never stands I guess they are not further compromised. It was very frustrating that she had not booked to see a urologist as something could be happening with her kidneys. She takes zero ownership or responsibility for herself, almost as if she is a child and the world is responsible for ensuring her safety. It is the attitude of a previous generation where women were purely for function or beauty and were cared for by someone else, first their parents and then their husbands.
As I am an only child there is no one nearby mom who will pop in every few days to check she is eating, do the washing, empty the bins and do a general tidy up. I have cousins but they have their own lives to lead. If it were not for the kindness of my mother’s neighbours I wonder whether she might starve! They cook for her most nights and pop in and check on her often. I am so grateful to them all, but it is not their responsibility, they do it from kindness and I do not want that to become a burden.
I have been judged harshly for living in another country and being unable to look after mom personally, but this is my life and I cannot exactly uproot my children from their lives to go with me and Norman and I have given up so much to be near them in South Africa.
My trips to the USA are usually full of visits and lunches and dinners out with friends and family. This visit when I saw how weak my Mom was I decided to limit our visits to only the people who made an effort to see me. I usually arrive and message everyone to say I am there and when can we make a plan to meet up. This time I always agreed when people wanted to see me, but we kept things to day time adventures and where possible people came to my Mom’s house. As a result we only ventured out on occasion.
We wore masks most of the trip to keep my Mom safe from any roaming cooties. Our plane arrived an hour early on December 21st. We rushed to get our bags and race over to the domestic terminal and we managed to get onto an earlier shuttle and arrived in East Ridge at 9:15am. Mom’s neighbour Kathryn collected us and dropped us off at my Mom’s house.
Norm and I popped out to the shops that first morning we arrived and then we just chilled at Mom’s. I tried to stay awake until that evening to get into the time zone of the area.
On the 22nd we had a lunch booked at Malone’s in Hamilton Place. We were meeting my Uncle Joe, his son Brent, his wife Kelly and his daughters and their partners.
Norman, Mom and I arrived to Malone’s very early and we were taken to our table. There seemed to be a lot of chaos going on in the kitchen and I finally asked the server what was up. Apparently a pipe had burst in the kitchen and the ceiling had collapsed. The server said they may have to close if they did not manage to sort it out, but they carried on. (We heard they ended up closing the following day!)
The prices were crazy expensive, especially when converted to rands. Mom and I chose the Filet steak with Crispy Fried Shrimp. It was $34.99 (R671 in my currency which would buy you multiple beautifully cooked steaks at home.) The shrimp were just average shrimp and the fillet steak was microscopic. I had the baked potato and a side salad. The salads were huge and would have served two people.
For dessert I had carrot cake with candied pecans and bourbon sauce. It was very rich and yummy.
The food would have been considered pretty average in Cape Town. For the cost of that meal we could have all gone for a 6 course tasting menu in one of Cape Town’s finest venues. But you cannot constantly convert the prices of items as it will make you crazy.
We found that if we had an outing then Mom needed at least one day to recover before she could get the energy to go out again. Our next outing was to The Epicurean, a very old restaurant which has been in Chattanooga for decades. It was one of my grandmother’s favourites and she has been dead for over 10 years. We met my mom’s friend Joy and her new husband Tim for lunch.
As it was Christmas Eve, they had a turkey dinner special on but I chose the pork chops which were huge and perfectly cooked. I had stuffing and mash and gravy with them. For dessert I had coconut cream pie.
For our Christmas dinner we were going to cook a mini holiday meal for us 3 but we finally decided to rather just order take out. There were very few places open but we found that one of the local Chinese restaurants was open. I had some sesame chicken and crab Rangoon. The Rangoon was average but the chicken was good.
The day after Christmas we decided to brave a visit to Costco. I made my mom get up and ready early in the hopes of beating the crowds. We did a shop for a few bits and pieces and had a flu vaccine. That night we just had a big Caesar salad with some raw prawns. Norm had rotisserie chicken with his salad as he is not a huge prawn fan.
My cousin Mona popped around to visit us twice, the first time she came on her own. It was lovely to see her and catch up and she is looking fabulous. We had storm warnings so she did not stay long.
The second time Mona came after church with her sister Susan and her husband Bobby for a lovely afternoon chat.
The only friends from school I saw were my usual 3 girls, Crystal, Jackie and Karen. We usually go out for dinner with our fellas but this year the men were a bit sickly so rather than risk my Mom getting a bug we just had a quiet night at Mom’s. Crystal stopped and bought some chicken strips, chips and Texas toast and I put out some chips and dips. We always rehash the same discussions and gossip about the same people, some of whom no one has heard of since we were in High School and we always wonder ‘what happened to them?’ and with others it is ‘have you seen what has happened to them?’. I know I can always rely on these girls and they always offer to assist my mom in my absence but she is usually too timid to phone them and ask as she does not want to bother them. It is good to know they are there if need be!
We all forgot to take a pic which was a bit silly of us!
On another adventure we went for Mexican food at Los Potros. (Note my cute coatigan!)
Mom wanted to go to this restaurant because of their cheese sauce. My uncle Joe picked us up and drove us there in his big fancy car.
I had the taco, burrito and enchilada combo meal. It was just an average Mexican restaurant, not sure why Mom is so besotted with it.
We had 2 more meals out during our trip. We went to Norm’s favourite steak house, The Longhorn.
Joy met up with us as well. We had a giggle because she and Mom were dressed alike.
To start we all shared an order of the onion petals which were gorgeous. For my main I ordered a fillet steak with a fully loaded baked potato. My steak was tender and a reasonable price!
We were given a voucher for Red Lobster for Christmas from my uncle Joe so we went off to Dalton again. We spent ages deciding what we wanted but it was not very nice. I had the Admiral’s platter with flounder, prawns, clams and scallops. The flounder was so fishy that it was inedible. The scallops were also a bit chewy and fishy. Norm ordered the fish and chips and it was dreadful.
On the day before our flight it started snowing.
I had worried that there might be some controversial discussions around Trump with my friends and family who support him but it was all very polite. There were so many signs and bumper stickers announcing support of the Orange Menace. These people actually believe this propaganda.
I got some lovely Christmas gifts. I bought myself 2 coatigans and Norm ordered this wrap for me. All of them sort of blend in colour and design so can be mixed and matched.
Also, as you may notice, my hair was cut. I asked my mom’s neighbour to cut it and she cut off more than I expected, but it looks nice. It was down to my hips and is now just past my shoulders. I know it needed it but I loved my hair and spend a lot of time playing with it and hiding behind it. It is great for several stims.
Norm also bought another item I asked for, this exercise device called an Infinity Hoop. Once I recover from my jetlag I will do a video for you to make you laugh if not to inspire you in hoopiness. I have put weight on while in the US as I have no constraint when it comes to muffins, donuts or fried food. Or tacos.
On Monday I was back at work first thing still with the same client but a completely new business area, although I do know one or two people from the new team. I did not have any input from the client on what I needed to do until the afternoon, and then I discovered I was awaiting data access (which I am still waiting for). I had a meeting today to get more information about requirements and objectives. As an information vulture I am eager for this new work.
I also had a new cleaner begin on Monday. She previously worked for a friend who moved away and is now starting to work one day a week for us. Our house is too big for Norm or I to cope so we may as well employ someone to work rather than be stressed and living in filth. It is a win-win for all of us. I really like her which is a bonus.
When I logged off yesterday afternoon I went outside to enjoy the cooler weather.
We just ordered a take away last night because we were both so jet lagged. I was asleep on the sofa by 9pm then off to bed until a noisy Blue woke us at 5am.
Yesterday someone posted this meme which has completely shifted so much for me. It aligns to what the shaman told me about relationships: do not spend time trying to convince other people of your truth or your pain, let go of that need from others and accept them as they are capable of being. I know my truth, I do not need anyone else to believe me or validate me, to remove that dependency in order to have a relationship based on current realities.
It all came together for me this visit and I was able to let a lot of my resentments and expectations go. I was completely myself, I listened to other people’s woes but did not own them. I see that some people only see me as an extension of themselves, that what affects me is irrelevant if it does not effect them (SIC because I cannot be arsed to google which is which). I know that most people seldom change unless it is with a deliberate intention to do so. I can only heal myself and that is what I shall focus on.
It also made me focus on the swelling in my own feet from flying but also from eating rubbish and being sedentary. I can be a complete hypocrite about health, I know what is best, I just do not always (or often) choose to do it!
Once our basic needs are met, so much of our attitude is a choice; I choose happiness and contentment. I choose to try and get healthier for the sake of my grandchildren. I want to be able to chase them and play with them and still be able to breathe afterwards! I choose a healthier, loving future. I am so grateful for my family and my amazing husband. He is such a lovely human and I am so thankful for his care. It is only a bonus that he is a Scotty hotty!
I am so blessed to have my mom still with us. I am so grateful for my children and grandchildren. I am so thankful that my children are healthy and without any addictions. I am so full of gratitude going into 2025.
I hope you all had a lovely holiday and that you have an amazing 2025. I wish you all happiness, positivity and love and I wish that you always have enough.
Until next time, kisses from the kitten x0xx0x0
Kitten in the City 