I have music playing all of the time in my head. I usually have a particular song for a while, then it inexplicably shifts to another. Recently it has been Billie Eilish’s ‘Birds of a Feather’. I love this new album of hers and this song is my constant mental soundtrack. Before this it was a Disney song I do not even know the words to but the song played on in my head and I hummed along.
Sometimes my latest song morphs randomly, there is a bit where it goes seamlessly and quite cleverly from ‘Birds of a Feather‘, to Jonas Brother ‘When You Look Me in the Eyes‘, then to ABBA’s ‘Dancing Queen‘. I want you to see, hm, How you look to me, hm, When you look me in the eyes, You are the dancing queen, Young and sweet, only seventeen, Dancing queen….then back into Birds of a Feather.
It loops back to Billie then round again and again. I hum, either in my head or out loud, not always knowing which unless someone points it out. I even did a really bad lip synch to my fave line.
I had assumed that everyone had this going on in their heads but apparently not. This is called ‘internalized echolalia’. Echolalia is a common autistic and ADHD trait where a person experiences a repetition of sound. It’s not just exclusive to music, you can also repeat words and phrases in your head over and over. If I hear a phrase that sounds fun to roll off my tongue then I will say it a million times, especially words or phrases with multiple ‘L’s. Like ‘Lily my lovely little limpet’ for example.
I assume this is why when someone mentions dancing I can immediately launch into my granny moves without any actual music playing other than that in my own head. Music is such a part of me. I remember my first mother in law telling me she hated music. WHAT??? Music can make me feel things so deeply, which is ironic as I struggle with identification of feelings. If I need to cry I put on sad music. It is why I can not listen to Anita Baker or Toni Braxton to this day as it was my post heartbreak playlist. I struggle with Norah Jones because she was my wake up alarm for years but that is a different trigger for a different trauma Oprah! I cannot listen to Sade as that was my 1st birth playlist and I had such a traumatic labour! #YouGetATraumaAndYouGetATrauma
Speaking of trauma this week was a really hard one for us. I have mentioned my boy Panda before and his health issues? He has had far more than his share of near death experiences. He has had his stomach pumped twice, he was attacked and nearly died twice (sepsis), then he was paralysed for months, requiring 24 hour care. He was mentioned in the reading I had recently and the link is đđź there for you. We used to joke he was the dog with 9 lives.
On Tuesday night I was asleep on the couch and Norm woke me as he was concerned about Panda. He said Panda did not seem to be able to stand up. Panda had walked over to drink water and his back legs collapsed. He then lost control of his bladder and his bowels. I was pretty sure he had a stroke. He seemed unable to bark. Norm picked him up and brought him to me and I straightened his neck as his tongue was blue. He was not getting oxygen. I kept holding his head and speaking to him while Norm held him. Eventually, it seemed he settled and walked around the room but he could not lie down. If he lay down he immediately sat back up. I said to Norm ‘he feels like he is drowning if he lies down’. Eventually we went up to bed. I could feel him moving around between us, he would come up to the head of the bed to see us and I would pet him and speak to him, then he would go back to the foot of the bed and put his neck on my ankle so he could breathe but he could not stay still as he was struggling.
The next morning Panda just wandered around but was not interested in his meds or any food. We had the security people back working on our intercom and our gardener was here to sort out the new garden bed. Eventually Norm managed to find a gap and he took Panda down to the vet. They did an x-ray and it showed that his heart was twice its normal size and his lungs were full of fluid.
The vet said that Panda would ‘feel as if he were drowning’ when he lay down which was the same phrase I had used with Norm and I realised that was a communication from Panda to convey how he was feeling so that we understood it was his time. The vet said that with his heart that size it was only a question of when he had a heart attack, it could be from any small excitement. But more importantly the vet conveyed that he was in discomfort and that it would be kindest to let him go. He told Norm to bring him home for the rest of the day and bring him back at 4pm for the euthanasia.
Norm brought Panda home but he could not sleep as he could not lie down and he was so tired. If I picked him up he had to keep an eye on Norm and I could feel the increase in his heartbeat so Norm eventually just held him in his arms with his head elevated so he could snooze. He spent his last hours in his daddy’s arms because Norm was his person. He went everywhere with him. Norm hand fed him to make sure he ate and Norm administered his medications. When Norm goes into a meeting he takes both dogs in with him. Panda is his assistant and Finn his security and the next day he was hit with sadness when he did not have Panda to accompany him.
Norm and I both have been so sad and Finn has been so calm, gentle and loving. He just keeps coming up to me and pushing into me for hugs. Every morning he has climbed into bed and put his head on my shoulder.
Panda’s passing is not just impacting us in regards to missing him, it has taken away so many routines. We no longer have to remember his 4 doses of medication per day, we do not need to purchase and boil chicken breasts to try and entice him to eat, we do not have to separate the animals when they eat as Finn used to steal Panda’s food if we did not sit with them for their entire meal. Now it will be interesting to see if Finn eats more of his food when he is not trying to steal Panda’s. We can leave the bowl out now.
The next day was Finn’s birthday. Norm was chatting to me about a video I posted of Panda after he became mobile following his paralysis. Norm was asking whether it was Finn or Navajo, our previous Swiss Shepherd in the video. He started to think about Finn’s age, realised the date, and then it hit us, it was Finn’s birthday! His birthday is the same as the US tragedy 9/11. He turned 3 on the day after Panda passed away. How is that for the circle of life?
Norm went to the neighborhood green with Finn the next afternoon and there was a little pom exactly like Panda. He said Finn was a bit confused. Then on their way home they saw another little Pom that looked like Pixie. I took this as signs from our babies that they were OK.
One nice thing this week was that the bench Norm ordered for my birthday arrived and Norm put it together for me. I think it is so gorgeous.
This week’s suggested series is Palm Royale which I discovered randomly. It caught my interest because of the cast. It stars Kristen Wiig, Ricky Martin, Josh Lucas, Leslie Bibb, Amber Chardae Robinson, and Kaia Gerber with Laura Dern and Allison Janney. Plus, special guest stars Carol Burnett & Bruce Dern. I am so used to Kristen acting a fool that I almost did not recognise her! She is absolutely gorgeous in this series, a real southern USA pageant girl. In fact she is supposed to be from Chattanooga, my own hometown!
The timing of this storyline aligns perfectly with our current political turmoil, especially in the USA where women are at risk of sliding back and losing the rights to bodily autonomy that so many of our ancestors fought so hard to gain. There is a storyline about the rise of women’s rights in the 60s and it makes you think about the fact that we are losing the ground we gained decades ago.
Palm Royale can be seen on Apple TV.
The song I am recommending is “Casual” by Chappell Roan who just won the Best New Artist award at M-TVs VMAs. I adore everything about her. These lyrics make me giggle.
Today I am off to hang out with some women friends. It was supposed to be hosted here but Norm and I are still a bit too fragile for it and Tam is going to host it.
I hope you all enjoy your weekend and week ahead. Until next time, Kisses from the Kitten x0x0x0x
Kitten in the City 